A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?"
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

A lawyer defending a manaccused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merelyinserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offensecommitted by his limb.""Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one yearsimprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyersassistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the
switch.1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies wont jump all over you no matter what youre studying.4. There are some things even a rat wont do.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, Im going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.

The physician then said, Well, since were confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didnt put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldnt afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.

The lawyer then said, Im ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, Look, Piers, I dont care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, Im not going in. Especially silks. Im sick of them all..

Agreed, Tarquin, replied the other, Im with you all the way on that. Id rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C.

And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.

One moment, St. Peter, said Piers as the gates swung wide, just one thing – Were sick of Barristers – are there any inside? Because if there are, the deals off…

Certainly not! Cried St. Pete, Youre quite safe – no barristers in here..

Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi – St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, You said there were no barristers here..

There arent, stammered St. Peter Well whos the silk in with the long beard, then?

demanded the outraged lawyer.

Oh, Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, Thats not a barrister! Thats God. He just thinks hes a barrister..

Q: What do lawyers use as a contraceptive?

A: Their personality.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because theyre used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: Mister, watch what you say. Youre in horse country.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I dont understand, Cindy complained. When people find out Im a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, Lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are avocat in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.