A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, Well, thats fine, but its not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said, Wait, wait! Theres more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, Lets give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: Your honor, a juror is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep! YOU wake him up!

One
afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We dont have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and Ill feed you" the lawyer said. But sir,
I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree." "Bring them along,"
the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man
he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once
underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. Youll really love my place –
the grass is almost a foot high!"

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

Alright, the lawyer says looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

What! That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.

Your right. Its mine.

An Elderly couple are in the Lawyers office saying they would like to get a divorce

The Lawyer says Why did you wait until now? Youre 96 and your husband is 97

The wife replies, We wanted to wait until the kids were dead

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his clients jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

Sure did, the juror replied, the other eleven wanted to acquit.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Its called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldnt decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.



When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.



He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.



He tells you that he has never told a lie.



A big sign in his office says: Dont ask me.



His Law Firm is Dewey, Cheathm & How!



He asks the Judge, How is your wife and my kids?



A prison guard is shaving your head.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.