[The following is from rec.humor]

Engineer:4.0000000 x 10^0
Accountant:4, before taxes.
Statistician:95% probability that it falls between 3.9 and 4.0 using student T distributions.
Doctor:I will need to do more tests to be sure.
Lawyer:How much do you want it to be?
Math Prof.:f(x) = 4 u(x) where x>= 0
Marketing:We believe that people prefer the number 3 to the number 4, so the answer WILL be 3 !
Computer sales:4, and it is backwards compatible with 3 and 1 too!
Politician:We are funding a multimillion dollar research study to best determine how to procede…
SAT writer:4, unless you do poorly in math (in which case you are correct).
Singapore:WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK
Car Sales:5. But tell you what, I like you, so I will knock it down to 4 (just dont tell my boss.)

Posted to REC.HUMOR by Allen Kitchen

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.

What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their unproductive time.

Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.

For your timesheets:

Job number Explanation
———- ———–
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use

5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting

5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time

5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100 Bitching about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems
5370-170 General Bitching
6370-180 Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100 Anticipation
5380-110 Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200 Personal Hygene
5380-210 Scratching Yourself
5380-220 Sleeping
5380-300 Personal Feelings
5389-310 Feeling Horny
5380-320 Feeling Bored
5380-330 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400 Meditation
5380-410 Staring Into Space
5380-420 Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430 Transcendental Meditation
5380-500 Fantasizing
5380-510 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530 Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100 Fictional Writing
5390-110 Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120 Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200 Technical Writing
5390-210 Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220 Sending Jokes around the Internet

5400 Event Planning
5400-100 Birthdays
5400-200 Anniversaries
5400-300 Vacations
5400-400 Weddings

This was sent to me in a more disorganized format. I reworked it and
organized it.

Carl Schelin
carl.schelin@hq.nasa.gov

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer puzzedly asked, How do you start a flood?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.


The first said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.


The second said, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.


The third said, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.


The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable.

Joke found on http://www.poddys.com

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?

The secretarys reply, My lawyer!

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment, replied the witness.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three

engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked one of

the

three lawyers.

Watch and youll see, answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all

three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was

quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy

the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the

station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,

the engineers dont buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed lawyer.

Watch and youll see, says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the

three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over

to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,

Ticket, please.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said…

-=} Randall {=- LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

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