At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadnt made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, Why not call him up?

He calls up the lawyer.

Sir, according to our research you havent made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?

The lawyer responds, A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, Well, no sir, Im…

Does your research show that my sisters husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. Im terribly sorry…

Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. I am sorry sir, please forgive me…

The gall of you people! I dont give them anything, so why should I give it to you!

A lawyer cross-examined the adversarys main witness. You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?

Objection, your honor, shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

So, the first lawyer continued, Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?

Nothing, said the witness. No one was home.

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isnt that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…





When the man in the street says: If it aint broke, dont fix it, the lawyer writes: Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, Now honey, youll be gentle with me wont you. You know that Im still a virgin.

This clearly surprises the man, What are you saying. Arent I your third husband?

The woman replied, Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since youre a lawyer, Im pretty sure that Im gonna get screwed!

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is lieing



A: If his mouth moves.

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, Oh, look! A nut! The second squirrel jumped on it and said, It’s my nut!

The first squirrel said, That’s not fair! I saw it first!

Well, you may have seen it, but I have it, argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute. The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, Now, give me the nut. He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said, And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.

Why dont sharks attack lawyers?

…Professional courtesy..

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. Ah, he says, but who do you think created the Chaos?

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is

taking all of her background information and asks her, Do you have

grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies, Well, we have three acres.

No, maam. What I mean is, does he beat you up? asks the attorney.

No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00, she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, Lady, tell me, do you

have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states, No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, Look, Lady.

Why the heck do you want a divorce?

Because he cant hold an intelligent conversation!