Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Economists do it with indifference.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find em hot, and leave em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
Magicians do it with mirrors.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are screwnedge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Politicians do it with everyone.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it… or dont do it, that is the question….
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after youre dead.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Ones a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that ones easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “Thats a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

Whats the matter?

he asked of his friend, did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?

No – its worse than that, replied the friend between sobs, he sold it to me…

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?



The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.



Oh really? How much have you collected so far?



So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number
———-Explanation
———-
5316Useless Meeting
5317Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319Waiting for Break
5320Waiting for Lunch
5321Waiting for End of Day
5322Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481Buying Snack
5482Eating Snack
5500Filling Out Timesheet
5501Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502Waiting for Something to Happen
5503Scratching Yourself
5504Sleeping
5510Feeling Bored
5511Feeling Horny
5600Complaining About Lousy Job
5601Complaining About Low Pay
5602Complaining About Long Hours
5603Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604Complaining About Boss
5605Complaining About Personal Problems
5640Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701Not Actually Present At Job
5702Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102Ordering Out
6103Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201Stealing Company Goods
6202Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205Hiding from Boss
6206Gossip
6207Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211Updating Resume
6212Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213Out of Office on Interview
6221Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223Pretending You Like Coworker
6224Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602Complaining
6603Writing a Book on Company Time
6611Staring Into Space
6612Staring At Computer Screen
6615Transcendental Meditation
7281Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000Recreational Drug Use
8001Non-recreational Drug Use
8002Liquid Lunch
8100Reading e-mail

Football Players in the Mist (1990, PG)

Robert Redford plays a man who learns to live among a group of college
athletes in their natural locker-room habitat and to converse with them
in their own primitive language. He struggles desperately to keep
these intelligent creatures from being hunted to extinction by NCAA
academic requirements, until his own career is tragically ended by
predatory lawyers in a recruitment scandal.

(My mom is responsible for the basic idea.)

The Bong Show Whose Pants Are These, Anyway? Iron Fry Cook Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions. Who or Whom? To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth Bowling for Gum Kathy Lee Giffords Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour? Leper-dy! Wheel of Fortran First Family Feud Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch? Lets Bake A Veal and the Number 1 Rejected Game Show Idea…
Win Ben Steins Undies