That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

Little Johnny came home after attending Sunday School at his church, and his mother asked him, Did you learn anything this morning, Johnny?

Oh, I learned a lot of good stuff about the Bible.

What?

Well, said Johnny confidently, I learned that King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, and that he had 700 wives and 300 porcupines.

Credit: Rev. Cleve Wilkie, The Times-Leader, Grifton, N.C., 7/27/94

The teacher decided she would write a history question on the blackboard every Thursday afternoon, and whoever answered it correctly could take Friday off from school. On the first Thursday she wrote, Who said, Give me liberty or give me death? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese boy said, Patrick Henry, 1775.

Very good! the teacher said. You can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

The next week she wrote on the board, Who said, Fourscore and seven years ago? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese girl said, Abraham Lincoln, 1865.

Very good! the teacher said. Now you can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

Well, the next Thursday, as she was getting ready to write this weeks question on the board she said, Now the last two weeks our history questions have been answered by children who were not even born in this country. You other children should be ashamed of yourselves. Now I want one of you to answer this weeks question.

But just as she turned to begin writing, Little Johnny hollered out from the back, Screw the Japs!

The teacher turned around and demanded, Who said that?

Little Johnny jumped up and said, Harry Truman, 1945. See ya Monday!

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?
Mike replies: Wait a minute, Im going for a piss.
The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.
Charlie replies: Im sorry I need to go to the toilet, Ill be back in a minute.
The teacher says: Thats much better but to mention the word toilet during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Little Johnny says: My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.

Little Johnny walked into his class and the teacher asked where he had been. he replied, On blueberry hill.

The teacher, still confused, said, Ok… have a seat. Another boy walked in and the teacher asked, Where have you been. he replied, On blueberry hill.

The teacher grumbled a bit and continued class. Enevtually, a girl walked in and the teacher said, Let me guess… You were on blueberry hill.

The girl replied No, but how did you know my name was Blueberry Hill?

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky…

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: Lets take a peek! They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys cant find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: Whyd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?

Johnnie replies: No…My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!

A teacher was giving class lessons in morals and asked for examples.

Little Mary stood up and said,
My father is a chicken farmer and when we collect the eggs each morning, we take more than one basket, so you dont put all your eggs in one basket.

Very good, Mary, said the teacher. Any more morals?

Little Johnny stands up.
During the war, he says, my Uncle Charlie was alone in a fox-hole with a rifle and a bottle of whisky.

A whole German battalion was approaching him, so he had a big gulp of the whisky and fired all his bullets at the Germans, killing at least 100. He fell back into the fox-hole, took another large swig of whisky and ran out and used his bayonet and rifle butt to kill all the Germans left.

Thats very brave of your uncle, said the teacher, but wheres the moral to the story?

Well. said Johnny, You dont f*** around with Uncle Charlie when hes been on the piss.

Little Johnny and Little Jane were in church, learning about Adam and Eve. Little Johnny poked Little Jane with a pencil, and Little Jane said, Sister, Little Johnny poked me with a pencil!

The nun scolded Little Johnny, and went on with her lesson.

A few minutes later, Little Johnny poked Little Jane with the pencil again, and again Little Jane told on him.

This continued throughout the class, and after a while the nun had simply had enough of this, and began to ignore them both. About halfway through her lesson, she asked the class if anyone knew what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to her tenth child.

Right then, Little Johnny poked Little Jane again, and she stood up and yelled at Little Johnny, If you poke me with that thing again, Ill break it!

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife.