One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old mans cane slips onto the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldnt slip.

The old man snaps back, Well, if your dad had done the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Little Johnny applied for a salesmans job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, Have you ever been a salesman before? No, this is my first job, said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 oclock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, How many sales did you make today? One, said the young salesman. Only one? blurted the boss, Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?? Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars. said Little Johnny.

How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss. Well, said Little Johnny, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldnt be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook? No. answered Little Johnny, He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, Well, your weekends screwed – you might as well go fishing.

Little Jane came home from school and said, Mommy mommy guess what? These boys wanted me to climb up a tree, so I did.

Her mom said, You dont be a doin that! Those boys just wanted to see your panties!

Ok mommy, little Jane said.

The next day at school, the boys asked her to do it again, so she did, and at the end of the day she told her mom and her mom said, I told you not to be a doin that! Those boys just wanted to look at your panties!

Little Jane looked at her mother and said, Dont worry, mommy. I was smart this time… I didnt wear any panties.

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, My mom says I can take the course as long as theres no homework.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.



And one particular four-year old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.



A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.



A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.



The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?



Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers.



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, Ryan, you be Jesus!



A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked. He died & went to Heaven, the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, Did God throw him back down?



A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbors wife.



At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife!



This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….

Little Johnny was in church with him mom forSunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous."Mom, I think Im going to throw up!"She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face."Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?""I didnt have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.

His dad says, Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, Dad, she said, Yes!.

OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. Dad, she said, Yes! also!

His dad told him, There you go.

His son looked at him, puzzled. Dad I still dont understand.

Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.



Not yet, replied little Johnny.



His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.



He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.



How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.



Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.



Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.



Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…

Are you going to tell him, or should I?