Gone fishing
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. Ill be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says: Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box!

Add some peanuts

If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. What would you like to do first, Kim? asked Joe.

I want to get weighed, she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

I want to get weighed, she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. I want to get weighed, she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, Howd it go?

Kim responded, Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, please she replied. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma. The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldnt concentrate, however, thinking about those words, Goodbye Daddy. He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wifes birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. Hell wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that shell really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, Marvin, come out to the hallway and look. Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, $59 and they didnt even iron it.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didnt think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says, Listen, I dont want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.

When theres no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.

Unfortunately some of Rios finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for lewd conduct.

Now Hosnis not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldnt do.

The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether its his first offense.

He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosnis wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.

Hosni asks the police officer why hes getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.

The cop tells him that since its a first offense, its only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, shes been caught twice before.