A man went over to his girls place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
Silver, she said.

Why not gold?

Be nice if youd come second for once!

Man and wife make one fool.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Ive been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, Anthony proposed to me an hour ago. Then why are you so sad? her mother asked. Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell. Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, Doctor, I havent had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husbands sex drive.

The doctor smiled and said, Have you tried to give him Viagra?

The lady frowned. Doctor, I cant even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache, she claimed.

Well, the doctor continued, let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He wont notice a thing.

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctors office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

How did it go? the doctor asked.

Terribly, doctor, terribly.

Did it not work?

Yes, the old lady said, It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that Id had in 25 years.

Then what is the problem, maam?

Well, she said. I cant ever show my face in McDonalds again.

An old man went to the doctor. He said, Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.. The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, Can I ask you how old you are, sir?. Im 87., said the old man. 87!, exclaimed the doctor, How old is your wife?. Shes 92., was the reply. The doctor was astonished by this, and said, So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you dont get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?. That is correct. said the old man, What can you do to help me?. Well, said the doctor, when did you first notice this problem?.

The old man looked thoughtful, I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.

A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms.

The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted.

The man replied, I want the kind with insecticide on them.

The proprietor responded, Dont you mean the kind with spermicide?

NO! shouted the man, I mean INSECTICIDE.

The proprietor asked, Why would you want a condom with insecticide?

The man replied, My old lady has a bug up her ass, and Im going after it!

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia