Ill just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.

They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, Oh, never mind! Ill just call my lawyer! It rattled the grooms mother so much that she fainted.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. –Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?

Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.

Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife geez, I never realized you had such big breasts.

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. What happened? asks the first man.

Well replies the other I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was Geez, I didnt realize you had such a big Butt…then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

Hey says the second guy Did you put your foot in it as well?

No says the third guy, But I bloody well could have.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldnt contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished they fell asleep and didnt wake up till 8 oclock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking hes pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.

Upset, she asks where hes been.

The man replies I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
Thats why Im late.

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, I see those grass stains on your shoes. Youve been playing golf again, havent you!

Cigarette problems

At my cousins wedding, my dad (who doesnt much care for his nephews bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore? ….

….So, here we are!

Two fellas are fishing in a boat near a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, That was touching. I didnt know you had it in you.

The first guy responds, Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.