The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.

Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under Frequency of Intercourse you wrote Three times a week and your wife Three times a night.

Well, thats right, replied the husband, but thats only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.

Before – You take my breath away.
After – I feel like Im suffocating.

Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before – Ricky & Lucy.
After – Fred & Ethel.

Before – Saturday Night Live.
After – Monday Night Football.

Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing hes done…

Before – Is that all you are eating?
After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before – Wheel of Fortune.
After – Jeopardy.

Before – Its like living a dream.
After – Its a nightmare.

Before – Turbocharged.
After – Needs a jump-start

Before – We agree on everything!
After – Doesnt she have a mind of her own?

Before – Idol.
After – Idle.

Before – Hes lost without me.
After – Why cant he ask for directions?

Before – When together, time stands still.
After – This relationship is going nowhere.

Before – Oysters.
After – Fishsticks.

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other.
After – How did I end up with someone like you?

Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, Ive never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.

Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?

Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was
reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchilds sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – itll be the last time in your life that you will haveall the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm putthe bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm onfor 3am. As you cant get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songsin the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind thestereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How doesthat look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and apiece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that.Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-sizepacket of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walkdown the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much as you canstand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small childfor a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intendto have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everythingthe goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabixand attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest intoyour lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, I love you, you love me at work,now you finally qualify as a parent!

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

She glanced at him casually and replied, Youre never home!

Many a wife thinks her husband is the worlds greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had, he says.

What makes you say that? asks the woman.

Well, every time we did it, I couldnt help notice how it made your toes curl, he explains.

Oh, says the woman, that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first.

The following are comebacks to that annoying question Why Arent You Married Yet?

You havent asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

Im waiting until I get to be your age.

It didnt seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.

Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?

I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why arent you thin?

Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, A girls best friends are her own two legs.

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Marys skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, I repeat, a girls best friends are her own two legs.

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didnt get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.