A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: Maxwell Coffeehouse. The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, Satisfaction to the last drop… So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: Rothmans. So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE. And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third ones wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: BRITISH AIRWAYS.

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.

The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball–stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure theres nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says What are you going to drink?

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isnt THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….Was he ALWAYS this hairy????

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him If we have sex, will you leave me alone???

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the hamper is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you arent in the mood
When you are married ….He says Its your job.

When you are dating….. He understands that you have male friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to discuss things
When you are married ….He develops a blank stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you Hey and refers to you when speaking to others as She.

This womans husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?

What dear, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I think youre bad luck…..

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

……NO FEE

A guy was sitting in his chair when his wife smacks him with a rolled up newspaper. He looked at her and said, What was that for?

His wife replied, I found a note in your pants pocket that said Loose Lucy on it.

The guys said, Oh, thats not a girl, honey… That was the name of the horse I bet on for the race.

The next day the guys wife hits him in the head with a fring pan.

When he wakes up he says, What the hell was that for?

His wife says, Your horse called.

Mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. Where the hell have you been?!?!

Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.

Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; Doesnt this belong to your secretary?.

Where did you find that?, he stutters.

I didnt, she answers.

The mail man found it on your night-stand.