Q: Did you hear about the hippy mathematician?
A: Yeah, he likes to keep it natural

80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.

Theorem: 4 = 5
Proof:
-20 = -20
16 – 36 = 25 – 45
4^2 – 9*4 = 5^2 – 9*5
4^2 – 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 – 9*5 + 81/4
(4 – 9/2)^2 = (5 – 9/2)^2
4 – 9/2 = 5 – 9/2
4 = 5

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says thats too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says thats still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. First, he says assume we have a can opener.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that its a pretty good working solution. No no, says the physicist, theres a better way. He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: No, no, theres an even better way. To the others amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

I define myself to be on the outside.

Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.

Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but dont worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we dont lose that last engine, or well be up here forever!

The Lipton Company is big on statistics–especially t-tests.