A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generals office. Since we werent actually at war, the General began, I cant give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What weve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. Well start on the left, boys, so whatll it be?

Soldier 1: The tip of me head to me toes, sahr! General: Very good son, thats 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds

Soldier 2: The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!

General: Even better son, thats 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds

Soldier 3: The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!

General: Thats a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: What! Son, where is your left pinky?

Soldier 3: Falkland Island, sahr!

Forwarded from a good Presbyterian

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look around, said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras, continued the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The sales lady replied The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type the Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them?

The sales lady responded It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

and
the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much Im not even sure this baby Im carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home, turn against his own religion?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. Ive seen it. Now, how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $80 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three years and I didnt know he drank until one night he came home sober.

A soldier in Vietnam saw a local man coming down the road with his wife behind him with a bicycle loaded with all their worldly possessions. The soldier asked him why he carried nothing but a cigarette and his wife had to push the bicycle alone. The man replied, TRADITION.

Two weeks later he saw the same local man on the same road but this time she was in front and he was pushing the loaded bicycle. The soldier asked him what happened to TRADITION and the man said LAND MINES

The french girl came home, sobbing because she was pregnant.

Who is the father of the child? her father demanded.

Well, he is the most famous man in France.

What? The President?!

No, father, the unknown soldier!

During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the companys kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?

LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir.

A man was being interviewed for a job.

Were you in the service? ask the interviewer.

Yes, I was a marine, responded the applicant.

Did you see any active duty?

I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.

May I ask what happened?

Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.

Well, that wont interfere with the job, and your qualifications are excellent, youre hired. Can you can start Monday at 10 am?

10 oclock? When does everyone else start? I dont want any preferential treatment because of my disability.

Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you, nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.

Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other no-playermust be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I cant talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I dont want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a non-player within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say mon in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, Ill never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I cant talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d, call a colleague and tell him hes won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldnt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so whats the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.

One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.

He radioed a base hospital:

Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?

A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:

Give it to the Marines. Theyll drink anything.