A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "Id like to buy a bra for my wife"What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?""Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what the types were.The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelors degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favour by letting him keep his job by getting only a masters degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of State College. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read Johns name. Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook well be using? he asked.

I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook youre using, came the dry response.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels! I demand that you change your
course 15 degrees North, thats one-five degrees North, or counter-measures will
be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander: Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!

Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.

It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… its an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
Where am I? should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.
Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
Its perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
You know that youve had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
Ive had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example) builds endurance.
The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College. His work was well respected, but after about 10 years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelors degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting only a masters degree.So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA. On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read Johns name. Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook well be using? he asked.I *am* the John Kallam who wrote the textbook youre using, came the dry response.

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadnt seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and hes got a purple heart on!



His mother replied, I dont give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses for a couple hours.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, Dont put all your eggs in one basket.

Next is Lucy. Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, dont count your chicks before they are hatched.

Billy is last to speak. He says, My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont mess with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking.

1)Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours.2)September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies.
September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born.3)November 17, 1984: Dont worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session.4)October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village,a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, This is too much fun to do just once a year!5)July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, Boy, youre nothin but skin and bones. You better put on some weight,or people are gonna think youre sick!6)June 7, 1966: Hey, chaps, Id like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko.7)August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain.8)November 3, 1987: Knowing how much her kids loved Star Wars, a naive Tipper Gore rushes home with a newly-bought Luke Skywalker and 2-Live Crew CD.9)August 12, 1986: Congratulations Mr. Hanson — its another boy!10) September 6, 1977: Due to a misprint on his high school schedule, Kenny G. attends Sax Education class.11)July 29, 1974: Soup or sandwich today, Ms. Cass?12)August 16, 1969: At a party for her 11th birthday, Madonna Louise Ciccone is strangely unfazed when Vinny Martello
stuffs two ice cream cones down the front of her dress.

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com