Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:

My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!



The second guy waves this off and says:



My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!



The third guy waves both of them off and says:



My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!



They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:



My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and hes gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, I guess when I die youll come and dance on my grave.



The cadet replied, Not me, Sarge…no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army Id never stand in another line!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!

A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic
training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at
the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill
Instructor tried to find out why.

Whats the matter with you? asked the DI. Why cant you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?

I was a telephone man, replied the new recruit, and I
dont know why I cant hit the target. Let me see…

The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle
again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his
finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the
end of his finger off!

Well, the phone man said, writhing in pain, the bullets
are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!

Bruce Stein on the Line

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

An american, a russian, and a dane was discussing the differences between their countries. Pretty soon the general talking turned into general bragging about how terrific their respective countries where.

The Russian said, Our navy is so big, that if we all sailed out at once, it would cover every ocean in the world.



The American, not wanting to let the Russian get the better of him, continued, Well, our Air Force is so big that if all of our planes took off at once we could cover the sky all over the world.



The Dane thought for a while then said: I once new a guy in Odense whose dick was so long that 17 parrots could sit on it at once.



They stood for a while not saying anything, until the Russian decided he might modify his bold statement a bit, Well maybe the ships wouldnt cover ALL of the ocean.



The American, feeling the need for honesty as well said, Well, maybe the planes wouldnt cover all of the sky either I guess.



The Dane stood there for a while thinking, and finally said, Well, in all honesty the guy I knew might have lived a bit outside Odense actually.

Two old Italian men, Carlo and Giovanni, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.

It was a real struggle, said Carlo

I know what you mean, replied Giovanni.

I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day, Carlo reminisced.

Yup, Giovanni concurred.

But it didnt work, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway, concluded Carlo.

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called
her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.

On a woman, the doctor said, the heart would be just below the left
breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her left knee.

A man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.But, wait a minute, said one listener, Shell have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Wont she?Sure, replied the man.Well, wont they find out?The man shrugged, But whod tell?