A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,"Do you have any military experience?"The Marine replied, "Why, yes! Ive been in the Marines for a couple of years.""I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well… In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, youre hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am.""Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I dont want any special treatment just because of my disability."The interviewer replied, "Well… Ill tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night
time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from
Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
Scared, Lieutenant?, I asked.

He replied, No, just a bit apprehensive.

I asked, Whats the difference?

He replied, That means Im scared with a university education.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Thanx to the Guffaws list.

An aging man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didnt have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about it.

He received the reply: For HEAVENS SAKE, Dont dig the garden up, thats where I buried the Guns!!!

At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden, but didnt find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what to do now?

The reply: NOW, just put the potatoes in.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?

The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?

The young man says, I chop wood!

Son, the general replies, we dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?

I chop wood!

Young man, huffs the general, you are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!

Well, the young man says, you hired my brother!

Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!

The young man rolls his eyes and says, So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!

A young man who had just recently joined the Marines had lost his rifle on the day before a big inspection by a visiting general. However, being very adept at woodcarving, he set about making a replacement. The paint had just dried when it was time for the inspection. He prayed that his fake would not be inspected too closely.

When his platoon was told to fire in unison, he made all the right motions and figured no one would notice, but the visiting general happened to be looking right at him and saw that no smoke came from the gun.

The general came over and said, Soldier, you didnt fire your gun. This is an official inspection. You were to fire the gun and then dismantle it for my personal inspection.

The young man was horror stricken but only for a moment and then he replied, Sir, today is the anniversary of the day that my father died. On his deathbed, he made me promise never to fire a gun on this day. I have kept that oath and I can not fire the gun.

The general was enraged. Im going to inspect that gun and then you, boy, are going to fire it. Thats an order! He reached for the gun.

The young man handed him the gun and said, I pray to the Almighty, Sir, that, for making me break my oath to my dear father, this gun be changed into wood!

Credit: Pam, The joke master.

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldnt find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.



Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!



Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.



Ive got to get this guy, Al says to himself. He has the perfect arm!



So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.



The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.



Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the Super Bowl!



I dont want to talk to you, the old woman says. You deserted us. Youre no longer my son.



I dont think you understand, mother the young man pleads. I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Im in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.



No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….



The old lady pauses, in tears…

…Ill never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal,
was telling the younger men how he handled officers
during his years of service.

It didnt matter a hoot if he was a Major General,
an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told
those guys exactly where to get off.

Wow, you musta been something, the admiring young
soldiers remarked. What was your job in the service?

Elevator operator in the Pentagon.

A marine and a sailor are in the bathroom. When they finish, the sailor says,In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands, and the marine says, In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front, Sir

Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bad. Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front, Sir.

Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bed. Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir.

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.