A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was very proud, and he anxiously awaited her verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my coffee?

Her grandson replied, You know grandma, its like on TV…The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open. He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

How do you Sink an Irish Submarine?Knock on the Door.

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guys girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. Well The friend said to the first guy… Thats not so bad… The first guy turns to him and says Yea, Thats what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

Why did you do that? the soldier was asked by his superior officer.



I know where he lives, he replied, and he wouldnt have made it.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, Why so glum?

The guy responded, What do you think? Im in hell!

Hells not so bad, the demon said. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Sure, the man said, I love to drink.

Well youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

The guy is astounded. Damn, that sounds great.

You a smoker? the demon asked.

You better believe it!

Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. Youre already dead, remember?

Wow, the guy said, thats awesome!

The demon continued. I bet you like to gamble.

Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, youre dead anyhow. You into drugs?

The guy said, Are you kidding? I love drugs! You dont mean …

Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, youre dead, who cares!

Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

The demon said, You gay?

No.

Ooooh, youre gonna hate Fridays.

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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.



Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.



The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, I think Ill get up and get a coke.

No problem, said the Soldier, Ill get it for you.



While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldiers shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, That looks good, I think Ill have one too.



Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldiers other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.



As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.



How long must this go on? the Soldier asked.



This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has
encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer
panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection
feature called a fuse.
The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without
serious incident.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which
does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it
on in the end.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which
they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in
some way unconnected with the 20th century.
Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesnt explode or crash.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyones satisfaction.
The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered
without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, would represent
a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant.
A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a
single malfunction trapping him/her there.
Picard hears the door chime and doesnt bother to say Come.
Picard doesnt answer a suggestion with Make it so!
Picard walks up to the replicator and says, Coke on ice.
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Trois position.
Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show
up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, Did he read you love poetty?! Did
he serve you poisonous tea?! Hes MINE!
When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range
no one says On screen.
Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond
to one of the Enterprises hails.
Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasnt done in
Deja Vu then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than
ever.
Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot
flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
Data falls in love with the replicator.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the
tale.
Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
Kirks hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesnt rip his shirt.
(Or even, Kirk DOESNT get into a fistfight…)
Kirk doesnt end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesnt
sacrifice herself for him.
Scotty doesnt mention the laws of physics
Spock isnt the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by
alien race/etc!! due to his darn green blood or bizarre Vulcan
physiology and thus he cannot save the day.
The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spocks inability to
understand the joke, and he doesnt raise his eybrow.

Your mama so fat that everytime a hurricane comes, the army sends her out to sea to create a wall to stop it.

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After
some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.

Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till
three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull
the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there
is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens.
He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and
says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.