The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.

He said Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us.

The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked Why?.

The Admiral said So if I get shot, the men wont see the blood and will keep on fighting.

The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.

Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!

The Admiral exclaimed, Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a
jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command
station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook my fathers hand.

Dont congratulate me, sir, my father said modestly as he
pointed to his driver. It was all the sergeants doing.

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
Congratulations, he said. The majors wife just had a baby
girl.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.



The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.



She asked, Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?



Her grandson replied, You know grandma, its like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, Are you waiting for your girlfriend! No, he responded. This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like …. well, the fact that youre not wearing panties! The redhead smiled and said, Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties! The marine looked at his watch and replied, Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
— Groucho Marx

You know youre unloved if …

• when you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts

• as a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away

• you find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side

• your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck

• your folks threw a going-into-the-Army party when you were 3

• you run away, and the family cant give the Police a description

• you were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet at Church

• kidnappers send back your ear & your parents demand more proof

• you play hide & seek with Mom and she hides in another town

• your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle

• you had to share your sandbox with the cat

• you always got your allowance in Travelers Checks

• you join the marching band in school and they give you a piano

• you take a girl to the Tunnel of Love & she makes you swim

• you were the only candidate for Class President & came in fifth

• the only thing your girl wants out of your relationship is her

• your kids file a paternity suit against you

• the surgeon operating on you says, Ill take all calls.

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.

A private came charging into his Lieutenants office and said Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?

I dont have time to deal with this right now the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom and handed it to the solder. Here us this instead.

How is this going to work?

When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say Bangity Bang Bang.

So the private ran out with his new rifle. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying Lieutenant, I cant find my bayonet!

The Lieutenant grabbed a pencil off his desk and gave it the private. When you see the bad guys coming just hold this up and say Stabity Stab Stab.

So the private was all ready for his war games. He was sitting in his fox hole minding his own business when suddenly the entire opposing force came over the hill marching right on his position. Every one near him ran away in fear, but the private was ready.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guys and said Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang and half of them fell down.

Wow this really works thought the private. Let me try my bayonet. So he held up his pencil and said Stabity Stab Stab Stabity Stab Stab and the rest of the bad guys fell down except for one very bug guy who just kept right on come. He walked right over the top of the private and just stomped him into the ground.

The private was laying in a heap on the ground and he asked himself what went wrong. I used the broom and said Bangity Bang Bang and half of the men fell down. Then I used my pencil and said Stabity Stab Stab and the rest of the men fell down except for this one big guy. What did I do wrong?

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he walked past him Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank.

From the Daily Collegian:

Stockholm, Sweden – In an embarrassing admission, Defense Ministry analysts say many signals detected by their navys high-tech buoys – and thought to be foreign submarines – were just the sounds of swimming minks.

The report – coming after the military conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea last spring – was leaked to the Dagens Nyheter newspaper and published yesterday.

It said most of the suspicious sounds heard in the islands around Stockholm since the end of the Cold War were minks and other mammals swishing and splashing as they searched for food. Minks, about the size of cats, are plentiful on the islands. They usually feed on the surface, but sometimes dive for crayfish on the bottom.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked How did you do it?

Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast. He called out,
Anyone here know how to pray?

One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray.

Good, said the captain, you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets –
were one short.