Seen on a computer list…

Ladies and Gentlemen, call your agents…

Story of Germanys little-known WWII submarine computer support staff: DOS Boot

An animated Disney feature about Mickeys wild bachelor years: Mouse Pad

A coming of age film about high school athletes looking for dates: Trac Ball

How to Lie With Statistics goes multimedia: SAS, Lies, and Videotape

Russian twin medics: Paradox Zhivago

The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.



The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatellos interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.



The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

1. The cucumber has left the salad.2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.7. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?

The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Q. How does every ethnic joke start?

A. By looking over your shoulder.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didnt have a rifle.

Thats no problem, son, said the sergeant. Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go Bangety Bang Bang.

But what about a bayonet, Sarge? asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. Here, use this … just go, Stabity Stab Stab.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. Bangety Bang Bang! The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.

Bangety Bang Bang! repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! Its no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says … Tankety Tank Tank.

Paddy n Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody whos on the streets after 6 oclock. So one day, theyre out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin, Paddy? It aint 6 yet!"
"I know what Im doin. I know where he lives and he wouldnt have made it!"

Military JokeWhat does marine stand for? Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, Thats not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: Thats it.

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.



9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.



8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.



7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.



6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.



5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.



4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, Charity Case — Return To Sender.



3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.



2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.



1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King

The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.

Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!

The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss ministers
as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execution
of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.

Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldnt win the civil war if they didnt try
someting different.

Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also controlled
an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicholas
II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.

Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an undergraduate
at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neighbours
from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.

Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six oclock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
oclock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten oclock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military services,
get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.

These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two figures
reigned at two different times and are also two different people
in most respects.