This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.

He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.



She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.



The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.



He says The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day!!!!!

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The Pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What Happened? inquired the Pastor. My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the Pastor. We know, said the young man, Were not welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either.

Lifes a test – and youre graded on a curve

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.

A friend of mine told me this one last night, I dont know where he heard it
from…

An virginal young lady (Lets call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend
in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course
of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like
to have a baby, she didnt exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is
very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming
pregnant:

Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
etc…

Madonna scrupulously follows her friends instructions, and sure enough, finds
herself guided into the mens room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that
the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act,
and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he
takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.

Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets
out of this one, wed better call him McGuyver…

What
are three words that a married person would never
want to hear during sex?
Honey Im home

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?

You marry him!

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. What are you doing? she asks. Mom, its my LOVE dress!! Dont you like it? Ill come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. Now what are you doing? Mom, its my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: Honey, what are you doing? she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, Its my LOVE dress! What do you think of it? Her husband thinks long and hard and says, I think you should have ironed it!

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.



They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. Theres hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – theres more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.



Later, after theyve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, So, how was I ?



She replied, Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually oh alright, Ill stay the night.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldnt even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if hes your first, tell him you may be … you do look familiar.

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? Im tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please dont throw that old T-shirt away.

The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.

2. Does this make my butt look too small??

1. Im wrong, you must be right again..