Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of
a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How does it work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

Whats wrong with my friends?
If youre like most people, youre probably receiving Friendship
Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based
on where youve lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly
duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate,
outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your
friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who
Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

How do I know these arent just a bunch of losers who cant make
friends on their own?
Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
What if I need a special friend, say for poker or fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship
Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of
knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to
refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network
should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent
training.

Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm) network?
Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

Whats that?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend
out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is
Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find
yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all
appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency
Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
within two business days.

What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.

Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the plan?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess
of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.

But who decides whats appropriate for me?
We do. Isnt that what friends are for?

This one came from the L.A. Reader via a circuitous route
(saw it quoted in New Scientist):

U.C. Davis graduate student Anne Perkins on her study of
sexuality in sheep:

It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian
sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to
solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female
sheep out there really wanting another female, but theres
just no way for us to know it.

A penis fly trap.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

This was part of a set of stories over in another group. This one
was rather funny… (it came from Tension City)

A friend told me the following about a conversation with her four-year old:

A TV show for children, involving dinosaurs, had a bit where the dinos were
wondering whether or not an egg would hatch, and did the dinosaur parents
want a baby or not?

Tyke: Sometimes you get babies when you dont want them.

Mom: Yes, thats true. But we really wanted you.

Tyke: [Silence for a moment.] Did Daddy have to cut you open to put his
seed in you?

(The topic having already been discussed in the past.)

Mom: [Dreading the sudden direction the conversation had taken.] No…

Tyke: Then how did he get the seed in?

Mom: Uh, he just did.

Tyke: But *how*?

Mom: Do you really want to know?

Tyke: YES!!!

Mom: [Resigned to it, now] Well, Daddy put his penis in my vagina.

Tyke: [Very wide eyes] He DID???

Mom: Yes…

Tyke: But how did he get his big huge penis into your vagina?!

Mom: [to Dad] Um, would you help me out a little bit here, dear?

Dad: [pauses, looks intently at Tyke] Honey–these are *excellent*
questions youre asking!

Tyke: How did he get it in?

Mom: Well, it just fit.

Tyke: [Digests this for a moment] So, did it feel good?

Mom: [Too amused for embarrassment by now] Yes, dear, actually it did.

Tyke: Oh.

End of discussion. Tykes interrogative style was likened to that of an
especially tenacious attorney conducting cross-examination.

The next morning Tyke was overheard intently propounding her new knowledge to
her two-year old sister.

Kids have this way of getting right to the heart of the matter, huh?

What are the 3 advantages of having a #50 note tattoed on 2 ur penis

1 u can play with ur money



2 u can watch ur money grow



3 ur wife can blow as much money as she wants!

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.

Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone honey including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have been there, done that.

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.

12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.

21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.

23. Youve always got an opinion.

24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

25. You know how to dress strategically.

26. Your car has an amusing female name.

27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

30. You know that sex complicates things. So?

31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.

32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.

34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

35. You have at least one movie musical on video.

36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

39. You know how to make an entrance.

40. You know when to make an exit.

41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.

42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

43. You know how to program your VCR.

44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.

46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

48. You know when to play dumb.

49. You know what to do for a hangover.

50. Yes, you do have a condom.

51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.

52. One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland

b) You hate Judy Garland

c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.

f) Who is Judy Garland?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

a) Bernadette

b) Chita

c) Barbra

54. You made Donna Summer a star.

55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.

56. Tanning salons were invented for you.

57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.

58. You know when the partys over.

59. You know where to go after the partys over.

60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of

a) Your grandma

b) Your face lift

c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.

64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.

65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.

67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.

68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.

69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.

73. Youve left someone totally speechless.

74. Youve shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to get along.

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.

79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.

86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.

89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.

90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. You know, by heart, every line in:

a) All about Eve

b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

c) Your face

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.