Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: Theyre all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?

A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Cos sheep dont have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephants sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: Can I be on top this time?

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Love BoatEnterprise
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black BartenderBlack Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Ships doctor is a main character
Ships doctor is a main character
Julie the cruise director is sexy but annoying
Troi the ships councelor is sexy but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected
background of open sea
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background
of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call
Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening songCheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher)
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndicationIn late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilotBad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and flotation devices
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots
Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie)
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading dock; crew waves goodbye
Final scene takes place on transporter; crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot

The Top 16 Least-Noticed Important
Events of the Last 1000 Years 1621: Ouch! This porcupine is a bitch to carve. What say we roast that large bird over there instead? 1879: Thomas Edison gets an idea, and his brother Timmy says, Hey, whats that thing over your head? 1937: On May 6, Christ returns, only this time hes flying in style — on the Hindenburg! 1962: In Moscow, an enraged Nikita Khrushchev bangs his shoe on nuclear missile launch buttons. Fortunately, the Soviet missile-control computer had just moments before run out of kerosene. 1963: Richard Simmons almost loses his virginity. 1069: Little did B.J. Richard, the sixth Duke of Hummer, know that the accidental coupling of his most intimate region with his 3-foot tall mistress would result in a sexual act being named after him. 1843: After years of research, German inventor Gunther Dildo finally finishes his lifelong research. 1997: On June 13, my mom forgot to criticize my housekeeping skills. 1895: In June, Guglielmo Marconi invents the radio. In July, Guglielmo Kasem counts down the Rome Top 40. 1432: The invention of the moveable-type garlic press. 1492: Heads, we name it America; Tails, its Columbus. Loser gets a city in the Ohio Territories. 1541: During a manicure, Henry VIII accidentally invents the pull my finger gag. 1450: Printing press invented by a young Al Gore. 1517: Prior to nailing his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Martin Luther nails 3 Ingrids in the choir loft. 1491: Colombus discovers the clitoris. and the Number 1 Least-Noticed Important Event of the Last 1000 Years…
1898: Benny Rabinowitz gets the last open spot on the Braunau Elementary School kickball team, leaving poor little Adolph over there, all by himself.

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: Condolances Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands. Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together… Inside caption: I swear Ill leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses. Cover caption: Get well soon, darling! Inside caption: This house doesnt clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt. Cover caption: To my golf partner… Inside caption: Just to let you know, Im sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: In sympathy, Im sorry to hear the news… Inside caption: That youve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies. Cover caption: To the daughter that I love… Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing. Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know weve had a little disagreement Inside caption: But please dont cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands. Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck! Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?

Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box.

The second nun says, My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week.

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, Come on, weve told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours.

The third nun says, My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I cant wait to get off this train!

She says English
You want You want
We need I want
Its your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want Youll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure…go ahead I dont want you to.
Im not upset Of course Im upset, you
moron.
Youre…so manly You need a shave and you sweat a
lot.
Youre certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever
think about?
Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting!Im on my
period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby
thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new
house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
wallpaper…
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it
there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? Im going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today youre
really not going to like..
Ill be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with
me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, youre
dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
Im sorry. Youll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? Its easy to fix, so youd
better get used to it.
Im not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important.
In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. Its just that youre such an
asshole.
I dont want to talk about it. Go away, Im still
building up evidence against you.

One guy decided one day to try a nudest beach.

So he got there, striped, and setteld down on his blanket, trying to get a tan.

Soon a little girl came up, pointed at his penis and asked what it was.



uh..my little bird.

But dont touch it, it might bite you.

Then he fell asleep. the next thing he knew, he was at a hospital.

whats going on? then he saw the little girl from the beach



Why am I hear? well, You fell asleep, but I wanted to play whit your bird.

I started petting him, and he started trying to fly! so then I tried to lift it up, and pulled REALLy tight! then it started spitting at me.

I hit it a lot, but it just kept spitting.

Then…

*gulp* I kinda stomped on it, and I think I killed it!

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls You for help.

…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

…..You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.

…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out

…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos

…..youve ever typed drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone

…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences

…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

…..when someone says What did you say? you reply Scroll up!

…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own familys.

…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)

…..youre broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one

…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room

…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

…..you wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved

….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists

….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy

….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)

….your buddy list has over 100 people on it

….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee

….you wait 6 hours online for a certain special person to sign on

….you dont know where the time has gone

….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had

….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead

….you dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo

….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***

….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

….your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL

….you type faster than you think

….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult

…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say BRB or BBL

….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room

…youve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers

….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

…your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience