So the man goes to the doctor and says I have a rash on my penis.Does it burn? asks the doctor.I dont know, says the man, I never tried to light it.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter,
provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his
penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms
of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched
his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his
neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter.
However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for
the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He
asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later
he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every
paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what
he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a
beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and
forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went
bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the
letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and
discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love
to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the
letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he
spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely
readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She
promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put
it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and
other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr.
Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours.
She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University,
Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand
times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman
came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The
ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he
attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle
that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the
inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and
computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential
intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.

You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this
letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who
do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its Got Milk? campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was Are you lactating?

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called Cue in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, Fly in leather, it came out in Spanish as Fly naked.

Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

Chicken magnate Frank Perdues line, It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, sounds much more interesting in Spanish: It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic…but pavian means baboon in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan finger lickin good came out as eat your fingers off

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of v is f – which in German is the guttural equivalent of sexual penetration.

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink into Spanish as Evite Embarazos – Use Quink…which also means, Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, Pepsi Brings You Back to Life pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into the much less thirst quenching Schweppes Toilet Water.

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasnt until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax, depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with ko-kou-ko-le which translates roughly to the much more appropriate happiness in the mouth.

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that Puff in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English werent too fond of the name either, as its a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. No va means it doesnt go in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that Pinto is Brazilian slang for tiny male genitals. Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with Corcel which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside since most people cant read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products as Gros Jos. It later found out that the phrase is slang for big breasts.

Some other things that never happen on Star Trek…

A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly
has a surprise birthday party.

A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or
whatever.

McCoy says, On second thought, maybe Im a carpenter and NOT a doctor
after all.

The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

Kirk meets a woman whom hes known for years but never had sex with.

Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

Kirk says, Uhura, Im frightened.

Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

A Klingon says to a companion, Hey, I like you.

Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening
or menacing in any way.

Some patient of McCoys whos NOT a central character lives.

Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and
nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

A major character dies and isnt resurrected.

The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some
world other than Earth.

Somebody says, You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is
it, a Close Encounters reject?

Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of
the galaxy obsolete.

McCoy says, Hell live, Jim.

[Ed: My own additions]

Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.

A major character has a serious character flaw.

A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend
of a major character.

Attraction
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Love at first sight
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
Dating
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to
get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
Birth control
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Easy
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Eye contact
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located
in her chest.
Friend
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Indifference
A womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man
as playing hard to get.
Interesting
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
Irritating habit
What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Law of relativity
How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Nymphomaniac
A mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
Sober
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Its one of those evolutionary things that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with A man once told me…
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women cant shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let him in.
——————————————————————-
Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who wont do what shes told.
——————————————————————-
I married a Miss Right.
I just didnt know her first name was Always.
——————————————————————-
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called a Wedding Cake.
——————————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————————-
Women will never be eq

If we could shrink the Earths population to a village of precisely 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following.

There would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both North and South

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire worlds wealth and all 6 would be from
the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death

1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I cant see a thing.

Hmmm…thats an interesting optical reaction to sex, said the researcher. Would you mind if I had a look at it?

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!