The Boss has just chewed you out for no reason at all, you are looking to revenge yourself, do you:

Hide his coffee mug in an unusual place each morning.
Create a cache of pornographic images and arrange for them to be found on his computer (with accompanying history file and bookmarks).
Curse him loudly in the name of Zoroaster, knock him down and insert an apricot colored miniature poodle into his rectum.

A speeding driver weaves through traffic, cutting you off. He then flips you the bird for no reason:

Note his license plate number and report his driving skills to the local constabulary.
Beep your horn and give him the finger twice, once for him and once for the horse he rode in on.
Follow him home, impregnate his wife, daughter and goldfish, slash his tires then kick him in the lug nuts.

A pair of religious cretins arrive at your doorstep, determined to help you find salvation:

Kindly thank them for their time, give them cookies and then send them on their way.
Slam the door in their faces.
Slam the door on their faces until their features are unrecognizable.

A coworker corners you over lunch and starts loudly berating you for eating meat:

Weather it kindly.
Tell he/she/it to mind their own business.
Ask if they want seconds, whip out your penis, condiments and a hot-dog bun.

A coworker is sporting an obvious toupee:

Dont mention it.
Allude to the presence of road-kill on his head.
Rip it from his scalp and then ask how the Mr. Clean audition went.

Men only

Your SO asks you if she has gained weight:

I love you just the way you are. (wimpy, but safe)
A little, but it looks good on you.
An old boyfriend named Ahab just called…

Women Only

Your SO asks if he is the best lover youve ever had:

Yes you are.
You are certainly in the running.
If you ever manage to get it up, Ill tell you.

Scoring:

4 or less – you are cheating, or mathematically inept.

5-12 You have a hope of being subtle, but will probably die from hypertension.

12-16 A reasonable balance.

17 or above: You are about as subtle as a fart in a bathysphere.

Best Wishes,

The (hardly subtle) Reverend Shayne Dark

(c) 1999

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. Youll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mothers helper–peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for High Fidelity, designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Whats the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husbands early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that theyre nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men dont get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, Im so embarrassed; get me out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.

25. Most men hate to shop. Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders outfits get tighter and briefer, and players shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?

35. If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget… he didnt lose your number… he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch:Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when shes wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Womens dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. Thats why men need instant replays in sports. Theyve already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15
years and was on the run. He broke into a house and
tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife
to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on
the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.
His wife started to move her head violently, at which
the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to
his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him
kissing you. He probably hasnt seen a woman in years.
Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever
you do dont fight him or make him mad. Our lives
may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out
her gag. "Im so relieved you feel that way.
He wasnt kissing me, he was whispering to me. He
told me he thinks youre really cute and asked if
we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?

Why no, said the husband, flattered.

Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! she yelled.

Drug dealers Software developers
Refer to their clients as users. Refer to their
clients as users.
The first ones free!Download a free trial
version!
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the
stuff). Have important South-East Asian connections (to help
debug the code).
Strange jargon: Stick, Rock, Dime bag, E.
Strange jargon: SCSI, RTFM, Java, ISDN.
Realize that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old
market. Realize that theres tons of cash in the 14- to
25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent
mixes. Job is assisted by industrys producing newer, faster
machines.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake.
SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who
depend on you. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. Wow, says the bartender, Something bad must have happened.

Yeah it did, he said. I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. This ones on the house. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks Did you say anything to your wife ?

The guy answers Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out !

What about your friend ? asks the bartender. I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG

You might be addicted to irc if…. …you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer….you once devoted a weekend to working on your popups. …you sometimes go to #egypt just to get away from it all. …youre a heterosexual male, but one time you used a feminine nick just to mess with the horny net geeks. …youve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face. …you make it a point to change your ping reply and quit message daily. …you have over 2 megs of .wav files on your mirc directory. …you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos. …you join #hispanola just to work on my Spanish. …you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow. …youve ever typed drinking on irc is better than drinking alone. …you go into labor and you stop to type a special away message. …you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it….you have met over 100 ircers …you dont know your boyfriend/girlfriends first name…you tell your real friends you have plans already on Saturday night, when you dont…the Jehovas Witnesses knock on the door, and all you can think of doing is flood them with PINGs. …you raise your hand in class, and say BRB …you have more than 3 private message windows going simultaneously …when someone says what did you say? you reply scroll up! …you know more about your irc friends daily routines than you do your own spouses!

Bad: You cant find your vibrator.

Worse: Your daughter borrowed it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.

Worse: Youre in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husbands a cross dresser.

Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your sons involved in Satanism.

Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.

Worse: Shes a lawyer.

Bad: Your wifes leaving you.

Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wifes leaving you.

Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wifes arrested for soliciting.

Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.

Bad: Youre arrested.

Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postmans early.

Bad: Hes wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said yes.

Bad: Your wife says no.

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Worse: Hes gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.

Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.

Bad: Its performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughters the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriends exercising.

Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently runs out of gas.

Bad: For real.

Good: Your childs waiting for Mr. Right.

Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughters on the Pill.

Bad: Shes eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.

Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your sons doing extra credit work.

Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.

Bad: Its counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.

Bad: Your daughters the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.

Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: Shes coming home.

Good: Your wifes kinky.

Bad: With the neighbors.

Worse: All of them.