A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

My husband, she said, always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

Is that a problem? asked the therapist.

Well, she said, the problem is he walks in his sleep!

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I dont brag to my buddies about my erections I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut and I dont go around readjusting my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing I dont have body hair like shag carpeting It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I wont tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

4. The suburbs are exciting.

5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

6. Good guys are always outnumbered.

7. Good guys always win and get the girl.

8. Good guys are always good looking.

9. Ugly people are always bad guys.

10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.

12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.

14. Cars will explode in all accidents.

15. Everyone has a dark secret.

16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

17. Haunted houses are never locked.

18. The police are smart.

19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

20. All Asian people know Karate.

21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.

23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.

24. Indians make good cannon fodder.

25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.

a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PCs.

b) Computers know everything.

c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything

d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.

29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.

32. Movies based on true stories are made up.

33. Police never wait for back-up.

34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.

35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.

38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.

39. Good guys dont do drugs.

40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.

43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendors carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.

45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.

49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but cant use that speed to actually catch the person theyre chasing.

55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

one day a new bar called the ladys legs opened for the first day a guy walked up and the bouncer goes woah woah woah you cant come in here yet u have to wait out side so he went and waited out side then the police oficer comes over to him and goes what are u doing out her and the man replied waiting for the ladies legs to open so i can get a drink

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNNs Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained, Every womans first thought on seeing that helmet will be, I cant wear that.

It will mess up my hair!

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
–Roseanne Barr

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone. –Elayne Boosler

If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldnt have time to do our hair. –Marlene Dietrich

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? –Linda Ellerbee

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. –Kin Hubbard

I dont want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno

Theres a large amount of evidence saying that the mans point of view is largely irrelevant. –Ralph Noble

Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women
for the chance to fight with them. –Vincent Price

A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. –Helen Rowland

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think
theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I
know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. –Jerry Seinfeld

Its not the men in my life that counts, its the life in my men. –Mae West

Ass, n.: The masculine of lass. –Unknown

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which youd like to have dinner
with. –Unknown

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house. –Unknown

Drink a beer, burp, and have sex with his wife.

I am a gentle bunny. I will listen carefully before I speak. In so
doing I might get some faint clues from my manager as to who is going to
get screwed next, and so take steps to make sure I am not in the penumbra of
blame when it happens.

I am a gentle bunny. I will think before I speak. I will make very
sure I dont violate my employers non-disclosures or talk about the stock
during blackout periods. Nor will I reveal what I know about managements
little hobbies. I will remember that my employer is *not* a gentle bunny, but
is part wolf, part rat, and part Emperor Palpitine; and his lawyers are
even worse.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that when I speak I can hurt
others. Will what I say cause others pain? Will they take it out on me in
my next review?

I am a gentle bunny. Can I change the way I say something to avoid
hurting another yet still say it? I will strive to remember that in these
situations, precise factual accuracy must give way to the survival instinct;
its a lot more important not to tick them off.

I am a gentle bunny. The things I love are not loved by all. I will not
force the things I love onto others. Not even if it is honesty, decency,
and fiducial responsibility, and the people lacking these things are thereby
risking jail time.

I am a gentle bunny. If I wish to show others the things that I love I
will check with those present in case they do not wish to be involved.
This is especially true when I am comtemplating whistleblowing.

I am a gentle bunny. I will accept any gift freely given, yet I will
never ask for a free gift. The last time I did, I was fired, and I learned
from that.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that though I may not love
something, that does not mean another may not love it. Everyone has their
own take on these things, and just because I dont like fraud, doesnt
mean the CEO isnt into it bigtime.

I am a gentle bunny. I will listen and think on everything a person
says, not just the parts I wish to fight with or the parts with which I
already agree. If I find that everything presented is utter fantasy and
absurdity, I will still carefully consider that this is, after all, my
employer, and that in fantasy one may sometimes find humor, especially in
schedules.

I am a gentle bunny. What I believe in is important to me. I will
remember that what others believe in is important to them. And if they
believe that lying to the employees is important, then I will remember
that gentle is not the same as gullible.

I am a gentle bunny. Another person may hold dear to their heart a
view that contradicts mine. This does not mean that their view or mine is
wrong for each may be the right choice for each of us. After all, there
are no ethics in my workplace, so how can there be right and wrong
choices?

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that words hurt worse and longer
than blows. I will remember that this is occasionally useful, and is
frequently the only response which is both legal and rational.

I am a gentle bunny. If someone speaks to hurt me, have I given them
cause? Is there something I have said or done that has caused them pain?
Probably not; they probably werent doing it intentionally, and simply
wounded me in blithe, unconcerned self-interest. They are, after all,
management.

I am a gentle bunny. If I find myself wanting to hurt someone to make
my point, I will look at what I am saying to see what is lacking in my
view that I must harm another that they might agree? And if what is
lacking is a modicum of intelligence in the other party, I will nonetheless
remember that punching out the mentally enfeebled is neither gentle nor
legal.

I am a gentle bunny. My rules are for myself. I should not expect
others to obey them. My rules work for me, others find other rules work
for them. And if their rule happens to be devour the helpless, I
will remember that hiding in my hidyhole until they are done thinning the
herd is both gentle and wise.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that what I imply with what I say
is more often heard than what I actually say. I will be careful about what
I imply. Especially after those women in middle management got the vapors over
a faintly pointed, humorous public email I wrote, and started throwing around
terms like sexual harassment.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that every time I attack a person
I hurt others who are close to them who I never meant to hurt. And these
people are often even further up the management chain.

I am a gentle bunny. When a person stands against the world for what
they love, then what they love has value. I will not belittle what they
love nor seek to destroy it. The right to lie, cheat and steal is, after
all, a genetic imperative in many, and who am I to oppose an evolutionary
calling?

I am a gentle bunny. If a person comes to me in anger I will listen to
all they have to say and think about it. I will think about how I would
feel if what happened to them had happened to me. I will not return hatred
for hatred, nor anger for anger, because then they will make sure what
happened to them what happens to me, too.

I am a gentle bunny. Their are times in every bunnys life when they
are no longer gentle. I will remember this in others and watch for it in
me. Most especially I will watch for it in my coworkers, and I will choose
my vacation time accordingly.

I am a gentle bunny. When the world grows too harsh I can retreat to
my hidey hole to heal for a time. Thats why they give us cubicles and
internet access.

I am a gentle bunny. Even though I love to be touched I will remember
that others may not. I will be certain I have anothers consent before I
touch them. And I will remember that they are unlikely to say yes, especially
when they can see the hammer in my hand.

I am a gentle bunny. Hatred hurts me yet I will not cause pain to
another in return. Hatred hurts others so I will not hate. I may seethe,
sputter, and write irritated emails, but its not worth my hate.

I am a gentle bunny. The world holds more possibilities than I have
ever imagined. While I am out of my hideyhole I will seek to see what is
new in the world. To see the worth in everything I find. I know I struggle
to find worth in much of what I see, but those people are pulling down
high salaries, so they must be doing *something* right.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that a person confronted in
public must defend themselves regardless of how right or wrong they were.
A person spoken with in private will give me their true feelings on what I
have to say. But I will remember that there are no witnesses in such
situations, and if I thought they were vehemently defensive in public, what
I can expect in the privacy of my managers office will be infinitely
less nice.

I am a gentle bunny. I will give from my heart, giving for the joy of
seeing the pleasure others gain from my gift. And if they dont understand
the gift, I will try to remember that they will somehow make money off of
it whether they understand it or not, and for some people, thats the only
pleasure they will ever know.

I am a gentle bunny and like being a gentle bunny. You couldnt *pay*
me to be one of those freaking, blood-gargling wolves in management.

Written by: Quintessentially Anonymous.. and staying that way, thank you

[The first part of each paragraph is verbatim from I am a gentle bunny,
by boojum the brown bunny; try http://furry.de/miavir/quotes-boojum.html for
the original. Applying it to American Corporate life was not at all difficult.]

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.

Carmen, she replied.

Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation,

Who named you, your mother?

No, I named myself, she answered.

Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?

Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. So whats your name? she asked.

Beersex.