Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, Honey, do you remember this?He looked up at her and said, Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.She said, Thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said, Yes dear, I still remember. Well, what was it? she asked. He responded, As I remember, I said, Oh baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.She giggled and said, Yes honey, thats exactly what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?Again he looked up at her, and he replied, Well, mission accomplished.

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophies. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?

Well, says Sophie, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know its going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know its going to rain, so I dont hang out the wash.

What if he has an erection? asks one of the women.

Honey, says Sophie, on a day like *that*, you dont do the *laundry*!

1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs dont make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. 3. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. 4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. 6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. 8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 9. Never knock on Deaths door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). 10. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? 11. If youre living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt. 12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when its open. 13. There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead. 14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 15. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 17. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. 18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, I have something to tell you about your child…
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, Whats wrong with it?
The doctor says, Theres nothing really wrong with it, its just a little different! Its a hermaphrodite.
The woman looks confused. A hermaphrodite, whats that?
The doctor replies, It has both features of a male and a female.
The woman looks relieved. What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?

Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. Ha Ha said the other guy, were out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing. No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guys delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, you want to try this? His friend looks at the fish then at him and says well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence, she said, and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.
Johnny thinks a second and says none.
The Teacher asked him how he figured that. Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away.
The teacher said Thats not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking.
Then Johnny says Now can I ask you one?.
The teacher said okay. Johnny says There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
The teacher says, Why, the one thats licking it to which Johnny answered Wrong. Its the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking…

Jay Leno monologue, It seems the principal of a Cincinnati school has sent a letter to parents — sent a letter home to parents, rather — regarding allegations that a fifth grade class was swapping sex for soda money. Trading sex for soda. So apparently that new Britney Spears Pepsi ads are really working. How creepy is that? Actually, a novel written by Britney Spears and her mother was released today. Its called A Mothers Gift. And if youve ever seen Britney in a tube top, i think what you know what the gift is.

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a stutter.Ittt tt juuu st wonntt go aw ayyy! he said.The doctor examined him and found the problem.Your penis is too long, he said and he was right. It was over 13 inches long.I can cut some off and your stutter will go away.The man agreed and the doctor performed the procedure and he left.The man came back a week later for a check up.Im fine, he said, but my wife has left me as Im not great in bed anymore. Id like the rest of my penis sewn back on please. Is that possible?The doctor replied, Nn oooO!! Gg goo aWaa yy!