Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancees mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their little test was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Whats the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?

Theyre always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?

They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?

One squeeze and theyre all over you.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but youre not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?

Because you dont have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this |

Once upon a time, there was a village.

The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked
about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.

A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.

The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But
you are getting married soon, I dont want you to get hurt.

What is it? What is it? Let me know, the ignorant groom eagerly asked.

The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said,
But you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their
private place. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws.

How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?

Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Dont take
any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee.

The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you…

The bride also eagerly asked for advice.

The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive.

Oh, please help me. What should I do? The bride was scared.

Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night, she lied.
I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached.

In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.

… And they slept separately ever after.

[Ed: Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several
of them, but I thought I would try this. Dont send me yours.]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course
lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you
drive the ball. Dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune
to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses.
All right, lets go up there, apologize, and see how much this is
going to cost.

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, Come on in.
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, Are you the people who broke my window?
Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, the husband replied.

No, actually, I want to thank you. Im a genie who was trapped for a
thousand years inside that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to
grant three wishes — Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the
last one for myself.

Okay, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life.

No problem — its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?
the genie said, looking at the wife.

I want a house in every country of the world, she said.

Consider it done, the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said.

Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looked at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replied.

And he still believes in genies? … Thats amazing.

An
elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. Rabbi,
during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,
I pretended to be a goy and changed my name from
Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it.

Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were
a Jew is admirable, said the Rabbi.

Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.

That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.

Its worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with
her sexual favours.

You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans
had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.

Thank you, Rabbi. Thats a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.

And what is that?

Should I tell her the war is over?

From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).

For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount.

Three midgets walk into a library. The first one claims that he has the smallest hands in the world. The second claims that he has the smallest feet in the world. The third claims that his penis is the smallest in the world.

So each one checks the Guiness Book of World Records. The first comes back and is happy: I have the smallest hands in the world. The second comes back and is also happy: I have the smallest feet in the world. The third midget comes back and is pissed: Whos Carl Givens?

Here is little something to help girls understang guys.

What guys sayWhat they mean
  
It is just orange juice, try it.3 more shots, and shell have her legs around my head.
Shes kind of cuteI want to bang her till I am blue
I dont know if I like herShe wont blow me
I need youMy hand is tired
I had herI had (wet dreams about) her all week
I really want to get to know you better…so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?Is my penis really that small?
Youre the only girl Ive ever cared aboutYou are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back…for tonight anyway
Weve been through so much togetherIf it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so muchI am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right nowShoot! Shell know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24 hoursI want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guysI am not circumsized

Here is an original joke by Lewis W. Call, and myself.

A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish– Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian–There are 33 different ways to say, Comrade, pass the Vodka
or I shoot you.

French–Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you
want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German–The German word for hello is Echsteinlefahrtengruber. The
German translation for Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb
into our tanks and roll over Poland? is Hans, Poland, ja?

In a sunny day one man takes his car, goes to a tattoing laboratory and asks for a tattoo representing the name of his girlfriend, Wendy. The man knows precisely where he wants his tattoo.

Owing to the particular request the tattoo-maker needs the man to have an erection, and, after some trouble, he is able to do his work, so he writes Wendy and gets his money.

Some days later the same man goes to his gymnasium and after sporting activity he is going to have a shower. While washing, he can see, rather obviously, only the letters W,Y (WendY) on his penis. But he gets stuck when he sees another man with W,Y on his best friend.

So he gets interested and asks him: I think you too decided to have a tattoo with the name of your girlfriend. My girls name is Wendy. I think your girl also has this name. What a coincidence. Isnt it?

The other man shows a big idiotic and cheerful smile and says:

But what are you thinking! What Wendy! Ha ha ha! I cant believe it! Wendy! Ha ha ha! My tattoo is Welcome to Marlboro country, what Wendy??? See you…