Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they cant see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

And if you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with
the Russians before kicking them out. They built us a power plant, an
airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

The ambassador looked pained and said, Russian roulette is a dangerous game.

Right, thats why we invented African roulette, would you like to play?

Im not sure, how does it work? The African clapped his hands and six
gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat explained,

Choose the one you want to give you oral sex.

Thats a lot better and less risky than Russian routlette…

Not when one of them is a cannibal.

Bill Kennedy …{rutgers,ihnp4!killer}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning
to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead
gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned
over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she
wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and
said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to
Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when
she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her
apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do
you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally
said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice
tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was
me!!!

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 1. Hotel –
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 2. Dictate –
My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Catacomb –
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb. 4. Foreclose –
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum –
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment –
My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint. 7. Penis –
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel –
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, *beep* that watch israel. 9 . Undermine –
Theres a fine lookin ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic –
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq –
When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle; iraq, you break. 12 . Stain –
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, ! Do you plan on stain for dinner? 13. Fortify –
I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify. 14. Income –
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel? the doctor asked.

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

My wife naively believes that Its your turn in the barrel is just as acceptable as What goes around comes around.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

(This joke was told to me by a high-ranking member of the UK
government who said that he had heard it as a typical Hungarian joke.
Interestingly, he said that the Hungarian sense of humor was the
closest to the English of any of the Europeans.)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while you are
having sex?

Well, yes, I did once.

Well, how did he look?

Very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look
into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
husbands face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did
it occur that you saw his face that time?

He was looking through the window.

The aged patient doddered into the doctors office with a serious complaint. Doc, youve got to do something to lower my sex drive.Come on now, Mr. Peters, the doctor said, your sex drives all in your head.Thats what I mean, youve got to lower it a little.

Love, you cant start it like a car, you cant stop it with a gun. – George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. – Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

Id like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. – Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. – Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women dont gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we dont have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, womens total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. – Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. – Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. – Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. – Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. Its the same with husbands. – Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. – Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution. – Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. – Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each others character before marriage, which is never advisable. – Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? – Virginia Woolf

A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he used the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services! So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Remover button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.