The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind
and fairly good body, agrees
to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him)

1. FULL DISCLOSURE:
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the
first date or match up), each party grees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange, political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been
terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets,
careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has
a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event the
fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch.
(For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available
at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos parties; or
any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, or
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties
mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said
dating: For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say
they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say
they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as
an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date
either member may elect to use the terms girl/ boyfriend or lover and
their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no
circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the
old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable. Further, if both
members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however,
if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the
other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too
fast and may once again be said to be on the market.

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions
about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties
agree they have no rights or holds on the others time. Following the
first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be
missing in action without explanation, the wounded party agrees to
give up.

5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be
overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business
ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between
the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt – with
best efforts – to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the
first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours
in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase
but he/she needs me from their vocabulary. Further, during the
first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at
least one spontaneous home cooked meal and will arrange the delivery of
at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five
(45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that – respective gross income aside – we will pick up the
tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

(a) He considers her suitably impressed,

(b) we are broke, or

(c) He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!.

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at
the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as Why do I bother to keep my
own apartment?):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the
time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both
sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7: 30 in the
morning, and both agree to pick up after himself while in residence at the
other apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect
his right to keep his apartment a mess.)

8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the
other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together,
Why dont we start a family? and — using archaic terminology — Lets
get married. Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and
defend the other partys right not to meet his parents.

9. THE L WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase I
love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word…
Gone.

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final
dissolution of said relationship:

(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;

(b) Ending any argument with the sentence My ex used to do that same thing;

(c) Suggesting – no matter how kindly – that the other member should seek help;

(d) ending any argument with the phrase My analyst thinks you are…; and

(e) complaining more than twice about the contents (or lack thereof)
of the other partys refrigerator.

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel
guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:

(a) Youll never find anybody better;

(b) Nobody could ever make you happy;

(c) Ill find somebody who can really appreciate me; and

(d) My analyst thinks you are…. (Psychosis to be filled in at
the proper time.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes
notice before terminating said relationship;

(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be on the rocks;

(c) at the termination of said affair:

(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts,
books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste
through impartial intermediary;

(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the others friends;

(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

The timing wasnt right;

He/She wanted more than I could give;

He/She was too involved in his/her career;

He/She decided to go back with his/her

(a) girl/boyfriend;

(b) last lover;

(c) hometown;

(d) therapist.

13. ADDENDUM:
After the initial breakup – no matter what – both parties agree to give the
relationship one more shot.

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, Why do airplanes fly? on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

Im married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while Im in the shower, while Im cooking breakfast, while Im making the beds, and even while Im trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, What are you thinking? An older woman doesnt care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets … which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so theres no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know… Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women cant help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of using her. Shes using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call… Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas… Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they al

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him
that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked her
father, Who was that man going into the barn?

Thats some fellow traveling through, said the farmer. He needed a place to
stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter said, Perhaps he is hungry.

So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour
later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair,
straight up to bed she went.

The farmers wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man
was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she,
too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned
that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. How could he leave without
even saying good-bye, she cried, after we made such passionate love last
night?

What? shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him,
Im gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out, ILAIDTHEOLDLADEEETOO!

And thats how yodeling began.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

Of course, she smiled.

I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

What does SHE have that I dont? She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

Parkinsons, he replied.

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the penis with a line drive.

He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, but the doctor tells him there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on his honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her breasts. She proudly says No man has ever touched these, I have been saving them for just you for tonight.

Surprised but not to be outdone, her new husband pulls down his pants and says, Look at this, honey, still in the crate.

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the
old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.

The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, What was that for?

The old lady said, That was for 50 years of bad sex.

A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of
her chair.

She got up and said, What was that for?

The old man said, Thats for knowing the difference.

Dont call. EVER.
If you dont like a girl, dont tell her. Its more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
Lie.
Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as Spike
If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
Be as ambiguous as possible. If you dont want to answer, a
grunt will do.
Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isnt your fault.
Lie.
Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help —
dont ask. People will think you have no penis.
Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.
One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what shes missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
Dont wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
Lie.
Deny everthing. Everything.
If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them — youre a man remember?) They really
want to know.
Dont have a clue.
If you get a clue, pretend you didnt and disregard it.
No means yes.
Yes means no.
If you dont get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important
rules.
If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and locations.
Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
Feelings? What feelings?
Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend its not true or kick their ass.
Lie I tell you!!
DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
escape. Example:

Question: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?

Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
each day.
Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
meaning. Twist.
At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
Lie.
Love is not in your vocabulary. dont even think about saying
it.
A general rule: If whatever youre doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, its really not worth it.
Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
Lie.
Apologize whenever its expected. NEVER mean it.
If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Dont.
Try to have a good memory, but its OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriends b-day and eye color.
Ignorance solves problems. If you cant see them, they cant see
you.
It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.
Lie.
Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you dont know.
Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you dont know.
If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DONT STOP! This is the desired reaction.
You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
You are male, therefore you are superior.
Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
Dont ever notice anything.
If youre going out with someone but you love someone else, dont
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.
Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
Lie.
If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
youve done nothing wrong.
Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
If the question begins with why, the answer is I dont know.
Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
Dont ever let anyone say I told you so. If you hear this
phrase and it didnt come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so be it. You will have the coveted door spot and
others will worship your skills.
Other peoples pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.
Lie.
If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
youve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of
their life.
69
If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesnt want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesnt
talk to you, casually ask, is something wrong?
Three words: Lets be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but its bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so Ill pretend I want to be your friend.
Lie.
If youre on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms youve been laid in.
Heres a good trick. Tell a girl that youre going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked,
sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dads room and
tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like
hell. (true story.)
If a girl breaks up with you because youre in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHEs the
one who wanted to end the relationship.
The best sex position is you, lying face up… and twenty girls
on top.
Default facial expression: blank stare.
Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull
it out of your ass.
If you are asked to do something you REALLY DONT want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesnt work,
go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
dont know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish
the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say,
SEE?? I TOLD you I couldnt do it. Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.
Do not listen to pussy music such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
Beer. Then more beer.
One word: FOOTBALL!
Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we dont want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
LIE.

Be a MAN..be a leader..be an example