Poze din categoria ‘Naughty’ Category

Camping

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from
each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the
campsite.

When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked
for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a
little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole
three days there.

Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed
some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her,
and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

A precocious kid asks his

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

A precocious kid asks his mom, Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal sex?Mom: Of course, darling, where do you think lawyers come from?

Hypothetical Question

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

Dad, whats the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies: Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if shed have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother: Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000? The mother replies: Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father then says: Okay, now go and ask your older sister if shed have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister: Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000? The sister replies: Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father answers: Okay son, heres the deal: Hypothetically, were millionaires, but in reality, were just living with a couple of whores.

What dont women have mens brains?

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

Because they dont have penises to put them in.

Jason walks into a restroom

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says Hey, can you give me a hand?Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the mans pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the mans moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.Hey, thanks a lot man. The man saysNo problem. But there is one thing I have to know man, what is wrong with your Johnson?Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says I dont know, but Im sure as hell not gonna touch it!

Quotes About Money

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
–Frank Adams

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
–Marty Allen

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didnt have it and thought of other things if you did.
–James Baldwin

I hope I dont sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on
that? –Dave Barry

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. –J. Bothne

Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men.
–Charles Caleb Colton

Happiness cant buy money. –Bob Hope

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long Time Enough For Love

We survived the 1980s. Back then, the economic program was
called trickle down. That actually meant they were pissing
on you. How the whole theory goes was this: We have all the
money. If we drop some, its yours. Go for it. –Bill Maher

If the nations economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions.
–Arthur H. Motley

Certainly there are things in life that money cant buy, but its very funny — Did you ever try buying then without money?
–Ogden Nash

In spite of the cost of living, its still popular.
–Kathy Norris

The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, its just a tired feeling.
–Paula Poundstone

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
–F. J. Raymond

Money cant buy happiness but it will get you a better class of memories.
–Ronald Reagan

Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. Its rational
and always works the same way. –Jerold Rochwald

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
–Will Rogers

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. –Howard Scott

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition. –Nick Seitz

My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now Im worried
about the lousy work Im turning out. –Marvin Townsend

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
–Mark Twain

Im opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity.
–Mark Twain

If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
–Earl Wilson

Ive got all the money Ill ever need if I die by four oclock.
–Henny Youngman

If poverty is a blessing in disguise, the disguise is perfect. –Henny Youngman

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
–Unknown

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
–Unknown

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
–Unknown

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
–Unknown

While money cant buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
–Unknown

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it. –Unknown

How to Go Insane at School

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

How to Go Insane At School

1. Change majors at least twice.

2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.

3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.

4. Drink heavily.

5. Change .plan weekly.

6. Take both ME and EE classes.

7. Time manage sponteneity.

8. Set record time on academic probation.

9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or

10. Predict female behavior.

11. Perform mind meld on chimp or humanities student.

12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.

13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.

14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)

16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right…)

17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)

18. Do anything with a perfectionist.

19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..

20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties…

21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.

22. Procrastinate…

23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.

24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less…

25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less…

26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.

27. Listen to everyone elses advice.

28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.

29. Come up with a new .plan.

30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase lets just be friends…

31. Ask a Jehovahs Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?

32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (Youd swear the record was stuck…)

33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.

34. Try to calm down a type-A personality.

35. Think about the future… Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?

36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.

37. Believe Its better to burn out, rust never sleeps…

38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.

39. Anticipate what youll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)

40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.

41. Start seeing marriage as an option.

42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.

43. Dont burn your bridges…blow them to Hell.

44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.

45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.

46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. youve just started whats due today…)

47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)

48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.

49. Apologize for guessing wrong.

50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.

51. Try to find someone with the answers.

52. Explain something you dont understand. (great for presentations)

53. Look for lost time.

54. Live with a sociopath.

55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.

56. Stay awake in your most boring class.

57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.

58. Guess what your grades will be every week.

59. Figure out what youll need to get your grad index to a decent level.

60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.

61. Make fun of religion (realizing that youre damned)

62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either

A. doesnt interest you

B. you dont interest them

C. already has a love interest

D. is everyone elses love interest

E. all of the above.

63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.

64. Conform.

65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (…Ive SEEN that!!!)

66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.

67. Make a Time Management card, then TRY to stick to it. (Ill sleep next week.)

68. Find some goals. (Ill stop procrastinating next week.)

69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows…)

70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.

71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.

72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.

73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).

74. Have low self-esteem wars.

75. Make up nick-names for everyone.

76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)

77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasnt been done a million times.

78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.

79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.

80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore. (What am I going to do with you?; I dont know what to tell you.)

81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone whos in love.

82. Figure out how they could have made Batman better.

83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.

84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.

85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.

86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.

87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.

88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa

89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.

90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.

91. Keep track of the soap opera of changing relationships.

92. Ask yourself Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?

93. Keep making the same mistakes.

94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.

95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends. (see #87)

96. Try to be taken seriously.

97. Make a good second impression. (given that youve blown the first)

98. Listen to your mother list eligible women (her friends daughters) and try to keep your stomach from turning.

99. Correct your answers on old finals.

100. Mire in self-pity about your dismal future.


Sex Aid financial appeal

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

A recent edition of the Guardian (a UK quality newspaper for those who dont
know) had a story titled Charitys great sex appeal, reporting that Marie
Stopes International, a charity which raises money for the Third World, is
launching Sex Aid to finance birth control in countries where rising
populations are threatening the environment.

Couples are urged to keep a tin by the bed and put 25 pence in it every time
they make love, and send the resulting collection to the charity.

MSIs fund-raising manager Ms Patricia Hindmarsh said, It is a serious
suggestion. I think it will help people focus on the fact that they have
the freedom to make love without producing another mouth to feed.

The part of the story that I liked best, and the reason Im forwarding it to
this newsgroup, is the Guardians comment at the end of the story:

Research suggests that the average British couple could donate at least
#12.50 a year.

Substitute Minister

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services
when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the
janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions
for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is
coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything
worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail
Marys and Ill be right back.

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow
McGee came into the booth and started her confession, Oh Father, I
have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral
sex.

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely
10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the
janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar
boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?

The altar boy said, a Snickers bar and a Coke.

No arms

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.
Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.
If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants pocket, youll find the money for the beer. The bartender got it.
Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more. Where is the mens room?
Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks, and theres one in a filling station on the corner.