Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90% — wedding cake!

Johns girlfriend had long been complaining that she wasnt getting
satisfied, because his dick was too short. And now she had announced
that she was going to leave him, and find a bigger guy. John didnt
think he could stand to lose her, since everything else about their
relationship was wonderful. He begged her to stay with him a little
longer, and he promised hed figure out something.

She agreed to give him a week. In desperation, John went to see a
doctor, to ask if there was anything that could be done. At first, the
doctor said no, there really wasnt anything that could be done. When
John wasnt convinced, the doctor said well, maybe the new experimental
… no, better not even consider that. It was too new, and there wasnt
enough information about what might go wrong.

John wasnt having any of that. He said he was desperate, and hed try
anything, if it would give him a longer penis. After some argument, the
doctor agreed to send him to the university hospital for the operation,
which consisted of attaching the end of a baby elephants trunk to his
penis, but repeated that he definitely didnt recommend this operation
and wouldnt take any responsibility for the results.

John had the operation, it was a success, and within the week, John was
ready to put his new tool to work. He was really going to surprise his
girlfriend with this thing. Shed be delighted–it was really big!

First he took her out to a fancy restaurant, and they had a perfect
meal. As they were finishing up dinner, John got a devilish idea. He
unzipped his fly under the tablecloth, and took it out. Then, before
he knew what was happening, this penis snaked up over the edge of the
table, and started feeling around. It found a hard roll, and with a
little sniffing sound, grabbed the roll, and zipped back under the
tablecloth.

Johns girlfriend was delighted! Can you do that again? she asked.
John replied, Uh, I think so, but I dont think my ass can take another
one of those rolls.

Two
male buddies were walking through the woods when out
of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the
men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while
his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived
at a doctors office and said help, help, my friend
was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked
that he couldnt get all his tools to the woods in time
to save the friend, so he told him that he would have
to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to
be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no
I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found
his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain!
The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say?
The friend said, he said youre going to die.

For all you guys out therewho just cant figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single ruleapplies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something shedislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something sheexpects…Sorry, thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to thepoint system. Simple Duties: You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
Its her father..-10 Social Engagements: You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And its all-you-can-eat night..-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
Its called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I dont give a damn because you have one too"…-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep..-20

10. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?9. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.8. Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, its good for another week.7. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. Ill be glad to feed and walk him every day.6. That outfit isnt sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.5. Why dont you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.4. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. Its not like Im running a prison around here.3. Dont clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look like crap. 2. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?1. Naw, you dont have to call me, Ill eventually figure it out if youre in trouble.

Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.

Your web page is more popular than you.
Your favorite sport is Tetris.
You know what fuzzy logic is.
You talk to your computer.
When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy.
You argue with your computer.
Your computer has its own phone line.
You have dreams involving your computer.
You try to pick up women on chat lines.
You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything sexual.
You spend Friday nights with your computer.
You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number.
Youve never actually met many of your friends.
You remember how to use DOS.
You think Bill Gates is a cool guy.
Only computer users can understand you.
Your home page is longer than your resume.
Youve ever installed Linux.
Youve missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.
You always understand Dilbert.
You regularly drink Jolt cola.
You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
You have multiple email addresses.
Youve ever setup a LAN in your house.
You understood the above statement.
You search the Internet for computer humor.
Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
You keep spare mouse pads.
You buy your computer gifts.
Youve ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.
Someone mentions foreign language and you think Cobol.
You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.
You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.
You have ever called home to check on your computer.
You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
Youve ever considered getting a tattoo of the Intel Inside logo.
You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.
You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because youve been convicted on all of them.
You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the

Q. Do all men really masturbate?A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women dont express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?A. It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Q. Why are men such dogs?A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.Q. Why are men so annoying?A. Were not. Youre just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?Q. Why do men always assume its that time of the month?A. Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle thats just too much for us males to track. Its simply easier for men to assume that its that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.Q. Why cant men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?A. Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when theyre having relationship trouble. Most women dont even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: Whats the deal with this male bonding business?)Q. Whats the deal with this male bonding business?A. The answer to this question, again lies in mens evolutionary roots. In prehistoric times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.

6. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.

7. Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.

8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.

9. Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.

10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

13. Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.

18. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.

19. A mans idea of serious commitment is usually Oh all right, Ill stay the night.