Wifespeak – English

You want
You want

We need
I want

Its your decision
The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want
Youll pay for this later

We need to talk
I need to complain

Sure… go ahead
I dont want you to

Im not upset
Of course Im upset, you moron

Youre… so manly
You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Youre certainly attentive tonight
Is sex all you ever think about?

Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting!
Im on my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights
I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient
I want a new house

I want new curtains
And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

I need wedding shoes
The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there
No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise
I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me?
Im going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?
I did something today youre really not going to like

Ill be ready in a minute.
Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat?
Tell me Im beautiful

You have to learn to communicate
Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!?
Too late, youre dead

Yes
No

No
No

Maybe
No

Im sorry
Youll be sorry

Do you like this recipe?
Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it

Was that the baby?
Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

Im not yelling!
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All were going to buy is soap dish
It goes without saying that were stopping at the cosmetics department, the
shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and ohmigod
theres a sale in lingerie, and wouldnt these pink sheets look great in the
bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to Whats wrong?

The same old thing
Nothing

Nothing
Everything

Everything
My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really
Its just that youre such an asshole

I dont want to talk about it
Go away, Im still building up steam

Q: What happens every time a man unzips his pants?

A: His brains fall out!

[Ed: Very few sexist jokes about men get submitted. Send me more
if you want to see them, like theyre asking in soc.women. ]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.



His buddy said, I have an idea. Why dont you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. Shell probably be thrilled! So the first fella did just that.



The next day his buddy asked, Well, did you take my suggestion? Howd it turn out?



She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—Ill see you in two hours!

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

—————–

January 1, 1995

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

——————————————–

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

12-10 inches *Luxury Tax$50.00
10-8 inchesPole Tax$30.00
8-6 inchesPrivilege Tax$15.00
6-4 inchesNuisance Tax$05.00

Please Note:

————

– Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

———————————-

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker

Internal Revenue Services

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, Daddy, what is sex?



The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if shes old enough to know to ask the question, then shes old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.



Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, Why did you ask this question, honey?



The little girl replied, Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex.

I was swimming at a local pool yesterday, and I over heard two women
talking about animals. One of the women said she had heard that male
dolphins sometimes rape female dolphins. I thought to myself the
tragic part is most of those rapes go unreported.

A man goes to his doctors and says, Doc, Ive just been raped by an elephant!

The stunned doctor replies, What makes you say that?

Well, says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, my asshole feels this big!

Bend over, and let me have a look, says the doctor.

The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across.

But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis? states the doctor.

Yeah, I know, says the agitated man, but it fingered me first!

A women needs money which her husband refuses to give her. So
she decides to go out and earn it on her own.

She comes home with fifty dollars and twenty-five cents.

Whos the cheapo who only gave you a quarter? her husband asks.

They all did.

Note: For all those who are offended by any inherent sexism in this joke, swap husband/wife.

Tormenting Telmarketers – A Game You Can Play at Home!

Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of
the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well,
the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own
phones. We need to take the market out of Telemarketing.

Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
what you are selling.

Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that
will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging
up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Dont
let this happen!

Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. Its
easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and werent
using your phone anyway. Its easy to keep them interested
using attentive grunting, similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring:

Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes
more than minimum wage 15 pts
For each minute spent on the phone with
person making more than minimum wage 25 pts

Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the script 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
the salesman used profanity 1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
a free Phone Sex line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected 5000 pts

Example:

<Ring>
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, Im with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
and were in your area […]
[start clock->] Them: […] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure…
Them: Well, we are currently offering […]
Them: […] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to <???>
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes?
[25 pts/min!] Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: […] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It wont hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a […this usually takes some time!…]
and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use […]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with […]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
include treating for pets?
Them: […]
[subject change]Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for
the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasnt that
a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house…
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: […]
[subject change]Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some
beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
But what a game, eh?! I couldnt believe that they
couldnt move the ball in the second quarter…
[…]
[angry???] Them: Ahem… Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm… Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, lets try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Well, I dont think it matters, since I have all
hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
<click>

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.

When the priest says his little If anyone know any reason… ditty, say, Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce! or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see Jesus Christ Superstar with his mother on the night of your anniversary.

Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.

Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.

Pretend youve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim youve had his love child and he looks just like him.

Say youve had an affair with the bride if youre female, and the groom if youre male.

Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.

Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! White Wedding mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the grooms underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.

Ever see that scene in The Parent Trap where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girls dress?

Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.

Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.

As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the brides mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the brides nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, Throw your bra…Throw your bra…

Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi theres no money to pay him, and ask if hell settle for shtupping the bride.

Assure the brides mother that the groom is Hung like a horse. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If theres a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing The Lady is a Tramp.