A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, washing
machine. The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired
and she said, Not tonight, dear; Im tired. He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated Honey, washing machine.
She said, Ive got a headache.

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned
to her husband and said, OK, washing machine.

He replied. Thats OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand.

A young sub-altern was posted to a British army detachment in the
desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergeant, he
noticed a group of camels. What are those for? The men use them
when they want to have sex… Dont say another word, sergeant.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of
those camels immediately! Yes, sir.

A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather
horny. He called the sergeant over and asked Where are the camels
we used to have? The sergeant replied that he had sold them to a
Bedouin that camped nearby. Take me to them, please.

The officer and the sergeant went over to the Bedouin camp and
found the camels. The officer told the sergeant to leave him alone
with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and
proceeded to have sex with the camel.

On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, Sergeant, do the men
actually enjoy sex with the camels? The sergeant looked at the
officer in astonishment and exclaimed, I dont know! They use them
to ride into town where the girls are!

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: There aint no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked What do you mean by that?

Well, she said, when I was 20 I was curious about it,

when I was 30 I enjoyed it.

When I was 40 I asked for it.

When I was 50 I paid for it.

When I was 60 I prayed for it.

When I was 70 I forgot about it.

And now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild and Im too old too squat.

Men cant go with women to the bathroom.
Women complain about the ailments of getting older. Men show off the
pot-belly theyve acquired and say they want two more just like it!
Guy-friends dancing with Gal-friends steers away potential girl/boy-friends
(or one-night stands).
Gals complain about their weight and guys laugh at them. A guy mentions he
might need to do a bit of toning up in the gym and the gal agrees with him, then
more things he needs to do to look better.
Cat-calling differs too much. Guys: I wish I had a swing like that on my
front porch! Gals: Look at that ass…!
Gals cant go out unless all their friends are also doing something. Guys go
out even if their best friends parents both died on a Princess Cruise
while filming The Love Boats 100th Reunion and his girlfriend just
dumped him for Tom Cruise.
Gals dont like the cat-calls they get from men. Guys wish they got more
cat-calls from women.
Gals like to just hang and dance with gal-friends. Guys will try to
Humpty Dance with their gal-friends… while shes trying too hook up with Tom
Cruise.
Women dont care who the top-ranked pinch hitter in the Minor League is.
Men get nervous about any womans driving. Men also spin their cars on snow
on purpose during the winter.
Men can eat all they want and still think they look like Joe Montana.
Gals will take strays home and try to find a real home for it. Guys will
play target practice with the stray as it tries to run out of the way (as the
car spins on the snow).
Guy-friends ask for their gal-friends to return borrowed clothes.
Gals will complement guy-friends when they look nice (or their gal-friends
for that matter). Guys make a big deal about Im not hitting on you, but…
when they compliment a gal-friend (they never complement their guy-friends).
Guys get ticked when he goes shopping with a gal and she doesnt take the
advice he gives her. Guy: But you asked me what color I liked better!
Guys read the newspaper. Gals go through looking for sales and see what
Kathys words-of-wisdom are for the day.
Women never get tired of visiting the shoe store or the pet shop.
Women ignore the phone for a nice hot bath. Men ignore the phone during a
basketball game. Women always call men during basketball games and men always
call women while theyre taking a bath.
Men can get their hair cut for $6.00.
Men dont have to shave their pits or legs, and still think they look like
Joe Montana if they go without shaving their faces.
Women are used to the herd instinct.

Gal #1: This is lame… lets do something else.

Other Gals: Okay! Where to?

Men do their own thing.

Guy #1: Dudes, this place is slammed. Im outta here!

Other Guys: Well leave then, you looser!

Note: this doesnt bother either group within the group, but when a the coffee
pots mix, the water goes sour.
Women can get free drinks at the bar, men only when with their gal-friends.
A man will ditch a woman to play with his newest electronic gadget.
When gal and guy friends park to talk, everyone else believes they just
parked.
Women enjoy spending $300+ on something they will use only once.
Guys cant play tackle football with gal-friends.
Women can watch Top Gun an infinite number of times and still get
excited when the shadow-scenes come up. Men live for Star Trek marathon
weekends when they start off watching all the hour-episodes, then go into the
six movies, and finale it with all the little specials they have accumulated
on-tape.
Guys will never understand how devastating breaking a nail really is.
In a movie, guys want to see more blood and more sex. Gals just want to see
Tom Cruise naked – once!
Guys still go out when they have a bad hair day. Gals cant go out until
every eyelash is properly sequenced.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly.

What Happened? inquired the pastor.

My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the pastor.

We know. said the young man, Were not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands. Hes moaning something about They took my car!. Seeing he is quite
well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and
proceeds to question the man.

What are your car keys doing out?

My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it!
Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my
key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!

OK, OK, stand up, lets get some more information. (he stands the man up,
and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging
out, would you put that thing away!

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, Oh my God,
they stole my girlfriend!

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and hes without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, What are you looking at, old man! Didnt you do anything wild when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot… I thought you might be my son.

So ugly people could have sex.

A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear, he proclaims, Ive just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge
in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

No, head abbot, the first monk said, its too evil for me to admit!

The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution! said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. I – I – I drank! And I did
all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I
snorted coffee whitener….

Enough! said the head abbot, enraged. Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbots instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. What did you do last night? demanded
the head abbot.

I cant say! Its much too evil!

The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!

Okay, agreed the second monk. I had all manner of sex. I had sex with
young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora,
my CD player…

Enough! cried the head abbot. That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water.
Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

What, asks the head abbot, did you do this evening?

No, head abbot, its too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!

The agreement, monk! You must tell me!

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…

Yes?

I pissed in the Holy Water.