Dont take offense, ladies, this is a list for humor, after all. I mean, its not like its about smokers or anything. Besides, Im sure one of yall could come up with a list like this for the penis. Too bad the first one wouldnt apply, though.

The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You would not *believe* the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really cant interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.
If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think youre just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself why on earth did I do that?
Some folks have it, some dont.

Those who have it think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior.
Those who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it spend all their time trying to access it.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

Note: I didnt write this. I have no idea what a dongle is.

On Appearance

Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris…a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.

Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable for her male.

T-shirts are great. It doesnt take much male imagination to know that in less than five seconds, they are off over your head.

Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.

On Dating

If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him..

If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time. Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him. Be a bitch, not a nag… Bitchy females get the men.

Dont pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He is hungry and everything bothers him.

Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.

On Sex

Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.

Dont expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.

Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.

If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on top.

A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.

Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.

One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.

After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female… After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.

If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.

If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy… Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.

Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.. If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.

On Things Women Know About Men

Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they become boring.

Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and subsequent sexual acts.

If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to fight off this idea… If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.

Once upon a time, the Fiorelli family took a trip to the zoo. Pappa, Guido, had to make a stop at the little boys room while Momma, Flore, was showing their little girl, Gina, the elephants.

Gina saya, Momma, whatsa that thing hanging adown from thata elephant?

Momma replies, Thatsa his trunka.

Gina says, No, Momma, whatsa that other thing?

Oh, Momma answers, thatsa his tail.

NO, MOMMA, NO, cries Gina, whatsa that OTHER thing?

After a few embarrassed seconds, Momma says, Oh, dearie, thatsa nothing.

Guido comes back and its Mommas turn to use the little girls room. While theyre waiting, Gina asks, Pappa, whatsa that thing hanging down from thata elephant?

Thatsa hees trunka. replies Pappa.

No, Pappa, says Gina, whatsa thata other thing?

Oh, thatsa hees tail. answeres Pappa.

NOOOOOOOO, PAPPA! THAT thing righta THERE on THATA ELEPHANT! cries Gina, gesturing and pointing wildly.

Oh, says Pappa, thatsa hees penis.

Gina looks a little puzzled, turns to Pappa and says, Momma says thatsa nothing.

Guido grabs himself (in the traditional Italian gesture) and says, Thatsa because Mommasa SPOILED!

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.
Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont wan to have to come back.
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.
Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.
Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.
Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.
Whats wrong? asks the doctor.
Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.
Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your breasts. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

The teacher has given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance
of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except
illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family
(with a note). A smart-ass student pipes up: What about
extreme sexual exhaustion, sir? The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with: Well, I guess youll have to learn to write with your
other hand.

Jim Mullens Hot Sheet – What the country is talking about

{Entertainment Weekly}

December 19, 1998

1. {The Prince of Egypt}. There was an early marketing snag. Moses wanted to be called The Prophet Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt.

2. {Helen and Anne). Theyre sick of living in the backstabbing, two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood. So theyre moving to Washington, DC.

3. {Frank Sinatra}. It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.

4. {Fruitcake Jokes}. They last years longer than Viagra and Monica Lewinsky Jokes.

5. {Jack Frost}. A father dies and comes back as a cuddly snowman. The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.

6. {Kelsey Grammer}. Hes worried a home sex video he made will hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down Periscope}. No one will ever see it.

7. {Shopping}. A study says going to the mall makes mens blood pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of Victorias Secret?

8. {Patch Adams}. Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes laughter is the best medicine. So do most HMOs.

9. {Youve got Mail}. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?

10. {Julie Andrews}. {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat problems wont keep her from singing again. It never stopped Bob Dylan.

11. {Stepmom}. Julia Roberts cant seem to get along with her new future stepchildren. Whats her name, and Hey, You!

12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}. Thats what they called the Depression some people get this time of year. It used to be called, Being Broke.

13. {A Civil Action}. John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his life savings to help one town. Then he wakes up.

14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}. The crew of the Starship Enterprise saves the entire known universe. For the umpteemth time. Now its Miller Time.

15. {The Faculty}. High school students suspect their teachers are from another planet. No humans would work that hard for that kind of money.

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called Mate Match. The DJs ring someone at
work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work
phone number.

If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This
particular day (December 9th, 1998) it got interesting.

The Show

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian?

Brian:(laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wifes name? First only please,
Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man.

Brian: About 8 Oclock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number two: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there werent a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks, and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wifes work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Lets call Sara shall we? (touch tones,
ringing)

Clerk: Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of
Mate Match?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you three questions, and if you
answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando,
Florida, at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? Sara! Get
it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara, helloooooo anyone home?!

Sara: (laughing hard) Yes, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian… this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) Ding ding ding

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hhmmmmm.

Background voice in studio: Thats close enough. I am sure she is trying
not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: Oh my god, Brian! You did not tell them, did you?!

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, its just just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

DJ: She saw?!

Sara: Brian?!

Brian: No, no I didnt say that.

DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord… I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on, honey, its for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Lets go Sara, we aint got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: (long pause) In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(Advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…Youre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Cant you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her, well just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelers department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, Thats fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I dont feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Youre just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I dont shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Dont pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Dont wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont go through a faze every 28 days

Man, Im glad Im a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Dont take a lot of friends when I go the the john I dont throw a fit when I break a nail I dont buy a lot of shoes just because theyre on sale I dont apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I dont think of Bambi when Im out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I dont ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont face the pain of water-weight gain Man, Im glad Im a man

Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, Id never leave the house

I dont spend two hours getting ready for a date I dont play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spots always dry I dont read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I dont mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I dont spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I dont take a pill, I dont use Massengill Man, Im glad Im a man

Man, Im glad Im a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin Man, Im glad Im a man

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says hes never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesnt know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Dont do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!