Bill
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had
an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"Whats wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do
you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didnt." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with the pickle slicer?" "Oh… she got
fired too."

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.

He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex doggie style on their wedding night. She didnt know what he was talking about and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the normal position or not at all.

However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small.

They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you too we could have walked to the emergency room.

A man approaches his best friends wife one day when her husband is at the
office. Will you have sex with me? he asks.

No. My husband wouldnt approve.

O.K. What if I give you $1000?

Well, for $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my
husband is at work.

So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did(!) In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:
Was my best friend here today?

Y-y-yes. his wife says with concern.

And did he leave $1000?

Y-y-yes. she says expecting the worst.

Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he
could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you cant hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what its like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a mans eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis…

REPEAT NUMBER NINE.

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

CLUES

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.

When Im not well, I drip.

When you blow me, I feel good.

2. Im spread before Im eaten.

Your tongue gets me off.

People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.

Sometimes big balls hang from me.

Im called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.

I wasnt maiden for long.

A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.

You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.

I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.

I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.

You fiddle with me when youre bored.

The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, its in and out.

I discharge loads from my shaft.

Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.

I come out soft.

You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.

Its my job to stuff your box.

When I come, its news.

11. I offer Protection.

I get the finger ten times.

You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.

My tip penetrates.

I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.

I am a cunning linguist.

I plead and plead for it.

*******************************************************

Answers:

1. nose

2. peanut butter

3. crane

4. Titanic

5. tent

6. dentist

7. wedding ring

8. elevator

9. chewing gum

10. newspaper boy

11. glove

12. arrow

13. attorney

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows One burger!

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, thats the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen.

The counterman says, Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.

There was a old man sitting on a bench outside the mall. A young man walked who had spiked hair that was orange, yellow, green and red. The old man just looked at him. The young man said Whats the matter old man? Havent you ever done anything crazy in your life? And the old man said Well actully I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wandering if you were my son.

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several
years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man
goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wifes mouth.

Again, the man rushes out to tell the doctor who says this is a very positive
sign. He suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesnt want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the
man replies: She choked.

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, Grandpa, they didnt have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they? Grandpa replies, Nope. Teen says, Well, what did you guys use for safe sex? Grandpa replies, A wedding ring.

by Every guy in America:

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include

something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***

3. Dont make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating.

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Lets spread the rejection around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, dont ask questions you dont really want the answer to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesnt ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good. Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through Legends of the Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.

23. Fine. is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a mans innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was not looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay… maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word motorcycle.

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one youre with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Dont hog the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: