If you cant go down on them, youre not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they wont let you sleep.

If you want sex, they wont wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they dont like, you dont care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you dont like their friends.

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager? she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.Actually, no, he replied.Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.Im afraid I cant, breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?Yes. I need for you to give him a message, she continued, running her forefinger across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say.Tell him, she whispered, theres no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . W Y and says Hey I said her name was Wendy

Man says Dont worry shake it. . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees W Y and says W Y, huh?

Billy says oh! its my girlfriends name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says W Y.

Billy says: Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?

Ah no man. Mine says Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Neither understand football.

Both are good at pretending that theyre listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.

The Security guard made a complete inventory of your work area.

Your assistant began responding to your memos with, Yeah, whatever.

You got a Its for you loser .wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

The Human Resources Dept requested an update of your arrest record.

The Boss asked if you still had a copy of your 5 year contract.

You noticed co-workers measuring your office when you arrived at work.

Your parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

Your secretary says things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

Three people began helping you write a desk manual for your job.

The LAN suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes.

A large paper recycling box was placed next to your file cabinets.

The receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on you.

Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman cant believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
enough. She turns to the man and says, Three times youve sneezed, and
three times youve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?

The man replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The woman then says,
Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, Pepper.

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, “Oh no! What are you doing?”
His father tells him, “Were playing cards and your mother is my wild card.”
A week after that he walks in on his father masturbating. He says, “Oh my goodness! What are you doing?” His father says, “Im playing cards.” “Wheres your wild card?” the boy asks. His father replies, “Son, you dont need one when youve got a good hand.”

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case. The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesnt really matter if theyre on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. Its all the same. The Mac users explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If youre using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because youre in PC hell also. Stephen Kings explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! The Christian Churchs approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception." Dave Barrys explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where theyre made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. Im not making this up. IBMs explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life. PETAs (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: Youve been DELETING them??? Cant you hear them SCREAMING??? Why dont you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Source: Colleague at University of Idaho

Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to
ask and that he shouldnt ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldnt answer the question and that he shouldnt ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and
to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse.
She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he
beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by
looking at her drivers license.

He said, Mother, youre 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an F in sex.

Whats the dumbest part of a mans body?

His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.