1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if its done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when shes tired – or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. This wont hurt, I promise.

Here are some jokes from foreign countries that often bear the brunt of many
American jokes. (Dont flame me. Im an American.)

Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?

A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one
is found that isnt defective.

Q: How can you tell its midnight at an American airport?

A: When you see the 8:00 PM flights taking off.

Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?

A: So they can learn what theyve been doing wrong for the past five years.

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?

A: An import.

Q: How can an American be certain that the car hes just bought is actually
new?

A: When its recalled by the factory.

[Note – reportedly from MAD Magazine – ed.]

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.



Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.



Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.



Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?



Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.



Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.



Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.



Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.



Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not Enter



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized !



Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!



Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: You mean youve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?



Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.



Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.



Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Ohhhh. Youre so right. I want you to leave.



Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy:

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.



Man: Hey cutie, how bout you and I hitting the hot spots?

Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species..



Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.



Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.



Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlyweds bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, Thats happiness! Thats happiness! But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, Thats a penis?! Thats a penis?!

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If youre Eveready, Im Frito Lay.

A husband said to his wife, I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it .

The wife said to her husband, I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning to cook outside.
You dont have any problems pronouncing Worcestershire sauce
correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You dont know what a moon pie is.
Youve never had grain alcohol.
Youve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Youve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows youve see
are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it
goes over your head.
You dont see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You would rather vacation at Marthas Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as yall, you call
them you guys, even if both of them are women.
You dont think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football
coach.
You dont have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You dont have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south youve ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
You cant spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You dont know what applique is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place
within the context of a football game.
You dont know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You dont have doilies, and you certainly dont know how to make
one.
Youve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You cant do your laundry without quarters.

When a young hot-shot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, Well, this kid really knows his stuff!

The other replied, *I* dont think he is so hot – did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society.After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery? asked the couple.Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. Theyre just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

Whats wrong? Most newlyweds cant keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. Youre always out on the lake fishing.

Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like…

Yeah. Ive thought of having anal sex with her, but you know… she has diarrhea.

Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, thats not the only way to…

Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums… a common disease called piarhemia.

Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!