A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.

Doctor replied, Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm…yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadnt been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said, Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, Doc, George recommended you…youve got to help me. My penis is blue.

Doc asks to take a look. Ah yes… Ummm… Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.

FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.

Yes, I did. But Georges penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I coma one lasta time.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorts the lady indignantly. In this country we
dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, says the man. Who talkin abouta sexa? Im a justa
tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A DICTATOR!!

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies, That son, is the elephants trunk. No, at the other end. That son is the tail. No, mummy, the thing under the elephant. A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, Thats nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Daddy, what is that long thing?

Thats the trunk, son replies the father. No at the other end. Oh, that is the tail. No, no daddy, the thing below, asks the son in desperation. That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son? Well mummy said it was nothing, says the boy. Replies the father: I tell you, I spoil that woman …

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

You never even tell me when youre having an orgasm! he yelled.

How can I? she shot back. Youre never here!

You cant be real. May I pinch you to see if Im dreaming?

Hey, didnt we go to different high schools?

Theres so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.

At last! I finally found the perfect girl!

A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.

Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If love is the answer…can you repeat the question?

Im writing a telephone book. May I have your number?

Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.

I know Im not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?

But youre so *cute* when you blush!

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

I dont approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.

Please be patient–this is my first time.

May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.

Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.

Nothing says I love you better than six hours of nonstop sex.

A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

I only like two kinds of girls–domestic and imported.

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!

I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.

Didnt I meet you in some other hallucination?

Be good and youll be lonely.

The best things in life are ME!

I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.

I used to be a terrible flirt. Im much better at it now.

I dont dance. But Id love to hold you while you do.

Clothes arent sexy. Women are.

I cant whistle at my girlfriend…she leaves me breathless!

Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.

I feel great! And I dont kiss badly either!

BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

The attached was sent to me by a medical associate. Its not terribly funny but somewhat amusing. All I can say is: OUCH!!!
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens problems. The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of torn, black and blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I saw some half buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and he had closed the laceration himself with a heavy duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one inch staples of the type used to put up wall board.
We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachloro-phene sitz baths prior to surgury the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement (removal old dead skin) of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rust staples were retrieved and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed (ripped or torn out) and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels litigated (tied off) properly, though not much of a hematoma (pocket of blood) was present. Through and through Penrose drains (7) were sutured loosely in site and teh skin loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful and before his release from hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.
I can only assume that he has abandoned this method of self gratification.

* We got off the Titanic first.* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.* We never ejaculate prematurely.* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.* We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.* Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous –
guys look like complete idiots in ours.* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.* We can cry and get off speeding fines.* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.* Taxis stop for us.* Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.* We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new

Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy.

Unfortunately, she couldnt come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, its not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesnt mind, it doesnt matter..

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.

A best mans speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.

A good woman is like a good bar…liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

A honeymoon should be like a table…four bare legs and no drawers.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect…and to understand why hes not.