A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to
go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, Maam, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know youll forgive me.

She replies, If your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 1221.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon, he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously.

Very good. Six seconds, he said.

Eh, uh, the heart?

Very good! Four seconds left, he said.

I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host… CONGRATULATIONS!!

This guy decides hes going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your bra. He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your girdle. Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, If you firmed this up a bit, I wouldnt need to keep sleeping with your brother.

Take notes, all you Casanovas…

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like youre paying by the hour and trying to get your moneys worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.



2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, theres a difference between being erotic and blowing as if youre trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.



3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partners face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, its not passion, its avoidance.



4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.



5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a womans nipples, then clamp down like theyre trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They cant stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending theyre a doggie toy isnt.



6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like youre trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.



7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which youve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.



8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If youre going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.



9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the mans responsibility. You wore it, you store it.



10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.



11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, dont pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell shes not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.



12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kids toy.



13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.



14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where its all at. No sooner is your hand down there than youre trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if youre not careful, it can hurt – so dont get carried away. Its best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.



15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. Youre attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.



16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Dont force the issue by stripping before shes at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if its just undoing a couple of buttons.



17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks fist.



18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – shell soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.



19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.



20) COMING TOO SOON. Every mans fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.



21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her its more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while youre playing Marathon Man.



22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really dont know, dont ask.



23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Dont act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.



24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until shes eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. Its about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.



25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When shes performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do whats necessary.



26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Dont thrust. Shell do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And dont grab her head.



27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVISE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.



28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesnt feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.



29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And dont think that being drunk is an excuse.



30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, Can I take a photo of you? shell hear the words __to show my buddies. At least let her have custody of them.



31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.



32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. Its as sexy as a belching contest.



33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless shes a Romanian gymnast, dont get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.



34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women dont.



35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.



36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Dont shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. Its not a big turn-on.



37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, shell let you know.



38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.



39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.



40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…

sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the
clothes, divide the legs and pray you dont multiply.

When a salesperson calls… 1. Insist you only trade in furs. 2. Hint that your on the verge of suicide. 3. Speak only in Pig Latin 4. Ask what the person is wearing. 5. Suddenly burst into showtunes. 6. Say OK ill pay the ransom by three, just STOP CALLING Hang up before they respond. 7. Answer the call with Bat Cave. 8. Pretend like you are a phone sex operator. Act as if they are calling in. 9. Say you have mental telepathy and that they should get there mind out of the gutter. 10. Act as if you are in the bathroom. Constapation noises help. 11. Slowly move the reciver away and then scream loudly YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!! Start crying. 12. Scream THE VOICES and hang up. 13. In a very manly tone, say Mommys not home right now, can me and teddy take a message? 14. Ask them to hold on and scream Get Fluffy away form the toaster! 15. End the conversation with This conversation never happened. Hang up immediantly. 16. Act as if they are your best friend. Inquire about the wife and kids. 17. Play Barry Manilow in the background and yell ROCK ON!!!!!! 18. Talk in a lisp and say Hold on sweetcakes, Ill be right back! 19. Make songs with the button tones. 20. Repeat everything they say. 21. Talk in third person. 22. Keep asking where they are from, when they ask why say oh youll find out soon enough then cackle murderously. 23. Ask how many Yen that will cost. 24. If they are male, act as if they are female, vise-versa. 25. Make weird noises for no reason then demand why they did that. 26. Pretend its a war and that CHARLIES ALL OVER ME!!! make bomb noises if nessasary. 27.Do bird calls and insist that your listening. 28. Ask them if they want a Valium. 29. Laugh histarically every time they say and. 30. Pretend you are trying to get them to join your cult.

This guy walks up to this movie house with a chicken under his arm. He asked for a ticket. The lady at the counter told him that the chicken was not allowed in the movie house. He said You dont understand! The chicken goes everywhere with me! She told him again that the chicken wasnt allowed so he walked over to a nearby alley. He quickly stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He runs and buys a ticket and sits down.
These two girls come in later and sit by him because they thought he was cute. It was an R rated show. He starts watching the movie. He suddenly remembers
the chicken. He unzips he pants and the chicken heads comes out so it can breathe. The girl next to him taps her hand on her shoulder. The guy next to me is playing with himself!
She replied Just ignore it. I just saw a girl flash her boobs on screen, its kinda a sexy movie just forget about it! A little while later she taps on her friend again. He playing with himself again!!! She replies I told you not to pay any attention! She tells her in a gruff voice, But its eating my popcorn!!!!!

Heard this on The Greaseman on WWDC 101.1-FM this morning in DC…

Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout the years, they
have discussed various aspects of their lives, with one exception: they never
talk about their sons. This is because one of the men has a son who is a
flaming, out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men dont want to make
him feel bad.

One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the country club, so the
other three are sitting around the table and inevitably start talking about
their sons.

My son the Mercedes salesman, says one, has been doing so well lately that
last week, he tells me, he GAVE a friend of his a brand new Benz!

Ah, thats nothing, says the second one, My son, the marina owner, has been
so successful lately that last week he gave one of his friends a brand new
speedboat!

MY son, says the third, has done so exceptionally well in the real estate
market, that last week he gave a friend of his a whole HOUSE!

Just then the fourth man walks in and says, You know, I never thought my son
would amount to anything. But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him
a new Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, Man, Im dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock.