Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moroffs. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my Binford electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, early.Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daught

What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-craved, chef who owns a liquor store.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where hed first had sex.

It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours, Clem recalled.

That sounds wonderful, said Jed.

Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

Baaaaa…

After an earthquake, two men were talking and one asked, If there was another earthquake, and you knew the world was going to end, what would you do?The other guy said, Id have sex with the first thing that moves. What would you do?The first guy replies, Id stand very still.

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didnt seem to be getting a clear picture of his problems.
Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your girlfriends face while youre having sex?

Well, yes, I did once.

Well, how did she look?

Oh boy… she looked very angry!

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriends face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?

She was watching us through the window!

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubbys sex interest is down.

Jim
decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood
illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease
that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo
much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said…. I too have a problem. My penis is
the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.

She said, Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked
Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one
another…As Sandy put her hands in Jims pants she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

You told me you penis was the size of an infant!, she said. Yes it is…..
8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whales penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise
it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and dont die throughout the movie.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs
– it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
The word samba means to rub navels together.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, youre consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

This is original, but the style is borrowed from Anne Degeneres,
a comedienne who currently has an HBO special out.

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and
we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasnt really the
*greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt
exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her
apartment.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely…well, actually, I was
fondling her, she wasnt fondling me…well, really, I wasnt actually
*fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I
just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.
But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was
actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair
was…on the other side of a wall you see…in another room sort of. And I
was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall,
very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of…on
the street…leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a
night.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, Daddy, what is sex?

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, Why did you ask this question?

The little girl replied, Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.