A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, She cannot talk rrright now, she as a frog in ze thrrrought.

I got this from a friend, Jared Callison. Not sure where he found it…

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking
for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and
that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

Would that suit your needs? he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an
amphibian would be a suitable companion.

Ah, replied the salesman, leering, but this amphibian has been
carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.

At this the womans eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.

She prodded the frog.

Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body.

Nothing.

She ordered it to perform.

No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
hed be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing
a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.

The frog made no movement.

You see? she asked, petulantly.

Yes, I do, said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he
said, Now, Im only going to show you this one more time…

Heard this on an Atlanta radio station:

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: Youre kidding! I cant even manage to do it once! Whats your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. Im not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, Id like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: Thats a lot of bread! Its sure to get hard before youre done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

Three guys die and go to heaven. Guy #1 goes up to St. Peter, who says, I have
only one question before you go into heaven, were you faithful to your wife?

Guy #1 answers, Yes, I never even looked at another woman.

St. Peter says, See that Rolls Royce over there, its yours to drive while
youre in heaven.

Guy #2 gets the same question and answers, Once I strayed, but I told my wife
about it and she forgave me.

St. Peter says, See that new Buick over there, its yours to drive while youre
here in heaven.

Guy #3 answers the same question, Ill have to admit, Ive chased every girl I
saw, and had sex with most of them.

St. Peter says, Okay, but you were a very good person in all other respects, so
that old VW Bug over there is yours to drive while youre here in heaven.

The three guys then went their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guys #2 and #3 were driving along when they see guy #1s
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy #1
with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.

Guy #2 asks him, What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, youre
driving a Rolls Royce, and everythings great.

Guy #1 says, I saw my wife today.

Guy #3 says, Thats great! So, whats the problem?

Guy #1 answers, She was on roller skates!

One day in the University of Wisconsin health center, two college girls are in for a check up. The doctor asks the first one to remove all of her clothes and checks her out head to toe. Everything looks fine, except that there was a giant letter W on her chest. He asked the girl how that happened, and the girl explained that her boyfriend plays basketball for the school and he likes to have sex with his jersey on. Last night after a big win, they had the most passionate sweatiest nastiest sex and it got so hot, that parts of the W on the jersey melted it onto her skin. The doctor decides that the girl will be okay and lets her go. Next, he asks the other girl to do the same. He sees another W on her chest. He checks her out head to toe and then he asks if she is dating an athlete from this school too. The girl replies, No, but my girlfriend plays field hockey for the University of Maryland.

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!

Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?

Man 1: I think the winter.

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like theyre actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of need is irrelevant, so dont bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Dont question the racks of clothes in the closet; you just dont understand.

4. Women need to cry. And they wont do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. Thats why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women dont need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when theres a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women cant keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they dont view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women cant refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what shes doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldnt need toys if women had an on/off switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women dont understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, hell pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip shell pack 21 outfits because she doesnt know what shell feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and youll have a pretty good idea about how shell be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, Its there in the Bible. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. Oil-stick, oil doesnt stick?

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical womans bathroom is

437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women dont try as hard as men during sex; after all, they dont fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man women see is Ken.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. Oh, nothing, has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carrolls Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?

40. Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. Its okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You dont see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then theyll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You dont hear men say, Oh-my-GOD, theres another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.

The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snakes fruit better than his.

READING THE SIGNS :

How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements

Taken From Womens Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS.

Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex
Man gets in car withour opening door for woman – No foreplay
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin
Cant hail a cab – Impotent
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan
Insisto on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho
Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow
Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow
Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm
Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way
Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt
Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only
Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs
Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation
Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come
Insists on having some of whatever you orderded – Will make you sleep on the wet spot
Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you
Changes tables – Nyphomaniac
Drinks Decaf. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)
Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)
Sends food back – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts – Needs you to talk dirty during sex
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers – Wants a handjob
Orders a dessert involving nuts – Castrating Bitch
Wants to split dessert – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
Credit card is refused – Low sperm count
Undertips waiter – Small penis
Undertips parking valet – Small penis
Undertips cabbie – Small penis
Uses toothpick – Is trying to tell you size isnt everything
Removable cassette player in car – Pulls out repeatedly during sex
Cellular phone in car – Penile inplant

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A kings castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
Automobile – A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one Ive never tried before.
Brain–the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH – A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers dont byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL – Effective sunspot remover.
Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.
Death is Natures way of saying slow down.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic, when its bad…
Dont force it, get a larger hammer.
Dont hate yourself in the morning–sleep till noon.
Drive defensively–buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time–blackmail friends.
Entropy isnt what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didnt create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblocks Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself–historians merely repeat each other.
Im defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you dont change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If youre not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.
Jury–Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE – duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Lifes a bitch, then you die.
Lynchs Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR – the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO – 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Realitys the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, youve screwed everything else up.
Silvers law: If Murphys law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY – Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who cant write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID – A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, dont bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and…
XMODEM – A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM – A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
Id insult you, but youre not bright enough to notice.

Acknowledge-To: <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>

[Ed: Lots of people have such lists, but please dont all send them in at once.]