An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to
the Priest, Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek
forgiveness for my sins.

The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says,
Tell me what it is my son. It cannot be that bad.

The man replies, In the Second World War a young Jewish lady came to
me and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I did and made a place
for her in the attic.

But my son, replied the Priest, that is an act of great kindness
for which you will be rewarded.

Yes, said the man, but I was lonely and in order to let her stay, I
demanded sexual favors from her.

Oh, I see, said the Priest. But my son, times were so hard then.
You sought solace in the woman you were protecting. You are forgiven.

Thank you, said the man, that has been a great weight off of my
shoulders. While Im here, do you think that I should tell her the war
has ended?

Drink at age…

17 … beer

25 … beer

35 … vodka

48 … double vodka

66 … Maalox

Seduction line at age…

17 … My parents are away for the weekend.

25 … My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 … My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 … My wife is away for the weekend.

66 … My second wife is dead.

Favorite sport at age…

17 … sex

25 … sex

35 … sex

48 … sex

66 … napping

Drug at age…

17 … pot

25 … coke

35 … really good coke

48 … power

66 … coke, a limousine, the company jet

Definition of a successful date at age…

17 … tongue

25 … breakfast

35 … She didnt set back my therapy.

48 … I didnt bump into her kids.

66 … Got home alive.

Favorite Fantasy at age…

17 … getting to third

25 … airplane sex

35 … menage a trois

48 … taking his company public

66 … Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

The ideal age to get married at age…

17 … 25

25 … 35

35 … 48

48 … 66

66 … 17

House pet at age…

17 … roaches

25 … stoned-out college roommate

35 … Irish setter

48 … children from his first marriage

66 … Barbi

Ideal date at age…

17 … Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25 … Split the check before we go back to my place

35 … Just come over.

48 … Just come over and cook.

66 … sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

A
husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approached her husband wearing
the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their
wedding night.
She looked at her husband and said, "Honey,
do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Thats right. Do you remember what
you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, Oh baby,
Im going to suck the life out of those big boobs
and screw your brains out. "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, thats exactly
what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im
in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you
have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission
accomplished."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.



As he does he says to the woman: Do you know what Im doing ?



Yes, she says, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

Correct, says the doctor.



He then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now, he says.

Yes, says the woman, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.



Thats right, replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. Do you know, he pants what Im doing now?



Yes, she says. Youre getting herpes.

Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She
phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each
other. Theyre called gays or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are
women here who do the same things and they are referred to as lesbians. You
probably wont believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a womans
private parts and do things with their tongues.

Good Lord, her mom said. What do they call them?

Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them precious!

An American was sitting in a diner, having Pancakes and Orange juice, when a French guy popping gum sits next to him. After he pops a bubble, he says, Do you eat the crusts on your bread? The American says, Yes, of course.Popping another buble, the French man says, We dont, we spit it out, churn it up, and sell it to America as pancakes. The American, disgusted, just turns away from him. When the Frenchman talks again, he asks, Do you throw away the pits in your fruit? The American, getting annoyed, just shakes his head stiffly. Popping yet another bubble, the Frenchman says, We dont, we take them out, grind them down, and sell it to America as Orange Juice. The American-who has finished with his breakfast-turns to the Frenchman and says, Do You have sex in France?The Frenchman nods and says, Course!The American says,You throw away your condoms?The Frenchman, after popping another bubble, says, Of course we do.The American, smirking, says, We dont, we melt it down, and sell it to France as gum.

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. Jesus Christ, woman! What was that for? he yells. Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. Ow!! she yells. What was THAT for?? The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.

This is making the rounds here…

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the
Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable
to humans?

(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past
six months?

(3) Which one is your mouth?

Galen.