1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? Grandpa replies, When your willies long enough to touch your ass, then youll be old enough and I will give you one.

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? He replies If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one.

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, Grandson, can I get one of those?

The boy asks, Can your willie touch your ass?

The Grandfather says Yes it can.

The boy says, Then go screw yourself.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, Windy, isnt it?
Second one says, No, its Thursday!
Third one says, So am I. Lets go get a beer.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?
No, he replied, just my arthritis acting up a little.

your mom is so old whan you tried to suck her titie powder came out

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didnt need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

I dont know, he said. Shes still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.