On the other hand, you have different fingers.

All men are Idiots, and I married their King!

The best blanket is one with two legs.

A nose by any other name would smell as sweet.

On a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of soap:
Directions: use like regular soap.

On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On packaged Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On a packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

…Took two Alka-Seltzer. Thought I was gonna die.