After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonights concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, dont I?

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

He walks up to the drivers window and asks, You drinkin?

The driver said, You buyin?

There was a blonde speeding down the highway. A blonde cop pulls her over and asks to see her drivers licence. The blonde driver asks, What does it look like?

The blonde cop says, Its sqaure and has your picture on it.

The blonde driver pulls out a square makeup mirror and hands it to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop says Im sorry… I didnt realize you were a cop!

St Peter is standing at heavens gate when a man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.

I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.

Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

A few moments later a second man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.

I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.

Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.

A few moments later a third man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.

I was a Military Policeman, Sir.

Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

Mister, the patrolman said to the driver, I think the best way to charge you is hauling wood without a truck.

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, Lets get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, Lets get off that corner… NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do?

Pretty good, chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

Ever go a fishin? the policeman suddenly asked the man.

Ummm, yeah… the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, Did you ever catch em all?

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louies office, the question was put to him.

So whats the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin or you just want to always be ready or what?

Not scared … Benny growled, been doin it dis way ever since me sister-in-laws weddin bout ten ten years ago now.

Oh yeah? … so …?

Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much … but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it, Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.

But WHY?!, Louie finally demanded?

Well, I was at da wedding, grumbled Benny, and I wasnt about to say nuttin about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!