The Cajuns heard Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided this is WAR! Saddam was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

Hallo! Mr. Hussein, a heavily accented voice said. This is Boudreaux down at the Freds lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. Im callin to tol you we be officially declarin war on you!

Well, Boudreaux, Saddam replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Rat now, said Boudreaux, (hesitating) there is me, my cousin Thibadeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!

Saddam paused. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Woo-eee! said Boudreaux. I gots to call you back later!

Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux? Saddam asked.

Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor.

Saddam sighed. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, Ive increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke.

E-yiee! said Boudreaux. I gots to get back to you later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! Weve took Marcells utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, Ive increased my army to TWO MILLION!

Ah-yie-yie! screams Boudreaux, I gots ta call you back later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. Bon jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I gots to toll you we is callin off dis war.

Im sorry to hear that, said Saddam. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Boudreaux, we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way hes gonna feed no two million prisoners.

One morning, President Reagan woke up to a beautiful snowy noon. He
looked out of his window upon the snow-covered White House lawn and
marveled at its beauty. Then he noticed something. Yellow lines in
the snow. On further investigation, our President realized that the
lines spelled out Reagan Sucks in urine. Furious, he called the
Washington, DC police and demanded to know who had inscribed these
blasphemous words on his lawn. After a lengthy investigation, the
police found no clues.

Later that afternoon, after a brief snowfall, the president awoke
again to find the same words once more decorating the new-fallen
snow. This time, President Ron called the FBI and ordered them to
find out who was responsible. The FBI too mounted a massive
investigation, but were only able to determine that no intruder had
access to the White House lawn and therefore the perpetrator had to
be someone on his own staff.

When the next day, the same insults were discovered on a new blanket
of snow, Old Ron decided to leave no stone unturned. He asked the
entire US military to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. By
dinnertime, the Secretary of Defense had some bad news for Mr.
Reagan.

Im afraid, he said, that the urine sample come from none other
than the Secretary of State, George Schultz.

This is terrible, said the president.

Im afraid I have more bad news, said the secretary.

What could be worse, said Reagan, than finding out that George,
the only member of my administration not to be involved in a
scandal, is involved in this conspiracy?

Well, you see Mr. President, it was written in Nancys handwriting.

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lacking intelligence…With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up…And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy…not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy…Some Days, It Just Doesnt Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month — a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what I said!"…Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the mans charred trousers in custody.Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he uses for a knife?

With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …

93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force
One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw
a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very
happy.

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, I could throw ten $10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.

George Bush Senior says, Of course then, I could throw one-hundred
$1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

It was announced today that liberalism may be genetically determined. A lengthy article in the current issue of HEY ! threatens to overshadow the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a hidden dormant gene for compassion in men.

Reports of the gene codes which predispose one to liberal views were discovered after a long study in Brite Orange County CA, has sent shock waves through medical, political and yuppie communities.

Psychologists have long believed the off-the-wall liberals unnatural and frequently unconstitutional radical tendencies resulted from an unhealthy family life – a remarkably high percentage of liberals had whimpy and submissive fathers, as well as latent lesbian mothers who didnt teach them traditions at all. Biologists have long suspected that liberal tendencies are inherited. After all said one author of the article, Its quite common for such a free spirit to have a brother or sister who also has such distorted views.

The finding has been greeted with a sigh of relief by parents, family & friends of liberals, who have tended to blame themselves for the twisted political views of otherwise lovable people. One mother, a life-long Conservative, with two liberal sons, clasped her hands in ecstasy upon hearing of the findings. I just knew it was a freak of nature, she said, I knew my boys wouldnt actually choose that kind of lifestyle!

Despite the near certainty of the medical community about these genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no reason for the startlingly high incidence of liberals found among siblings of the Yuppie Community. It remains to be explained why so many avowed Liberals vote Republican occasionally – or at least fantasize about doing so.

Surprisingly, some are hailing the findings as a step forward rather than an invitation to deny liberals their civil rights; to which normal, sane people are entitled.

Other free thinkers, recalling early scientific studies to test the mental instability of hippies (long established to be the fore-runners of todays yuppies, only with no material goods), find the frenzied search for the biological cause of liberalism pointless, if not downright sinister. But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a much brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could help these hapless souls, & eventually, eradicate liberals altogether; bringing peace to the world.

President Clinton and co-President Hillary were in closed conference with the Attorney General to determine if there was a method for them to veto or outlaw this latest discovery and could not be reached for comment.