An after the election bonus: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

–Rhodes Scholar Bill Clinton

NEW YORK (AP)–Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.

A San Francisco man–wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
— impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
warden out of boredom and drugs. He said he inspected more than 200
fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.

At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.

New Delhi, India (AP)–Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.

The commission that banned the festival was set up after a
confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the
naked devotees. Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe
the worshipers, but were instead stripped by the devotees.

Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which
contributed to a state-wide protest.

The Metropolitan Indians of Italy produced parodies of posters and
graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty
sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties. Examples
from 1972 include: LONG LIVE SACRIFICE, BOSSES POWER, MORE
WORK, LESS PAY, and ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT.

Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to his country, his state
and his community.

The resolution stated that this compassionate gentlemans
dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the
lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of
concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the
state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional
techniques involving population control and applied psychology.

The resolution was passed unanimously.

Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the
motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often
without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salve
was the Boston Strangler.

When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984)
was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths
surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to
run for it and said that they would cover his getaway.

In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation
between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent
anonymously to newspapers in various parts of the world. A covering
note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which
was heard part of the two leaders telephone conversation.

In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and
the San Francisco Chronicle. The Sunday Times described the tape as
part of a KGB propaganda war. The U.S. State Department said that the
tape was evidence of an increasingly sophisticated Russian
disinformation campaign.

In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock
group Crass. The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and
radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with
telephone noises.

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, wed like for you to throw out the first pitch.

President Clinton say excitedly, SURE, ID LOVE TOO…SOUUUIIEEEE!



So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds…Bill does the Presidential wave thing…and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. SOUUUUIIEEEE. The crowd goes WILD!



George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, That was just FANTASTIC…but I said throw out the first PITCH!

10. The complimentary paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 9. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. 8. The magic fingers vibration is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. 7. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow 6. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes. 5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it. 4. Theres a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers. 3. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you. 2. The only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it. 1. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.

SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT

Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.



He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before its too late, one of Saddams close advisors said after being assured anonymity.



A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Husseins bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.

WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, Tiny Tim, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, OJ Simpson and women who marry serial killers on death row (sounds like a topic for a talk show…). Includes American politics.

In last weeks debate, Bob Dole accused Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Well, at least he didnt fall off it…

At the end of the debate, Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site. This could be the most tragic attempt at looking hip since William Shatner recorded Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

In the polls, both Dole and Clinton scored points as agents of change. Right. Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.

When the stock market hit a record high, Bill Clinton took full credit. When poverty fell to a new low, Clinton took full credit. When unmarried pregnancies declined, well… they dragged him off the stage just in time…

In a television ad featuring Elizabeth Dole, Mrs. Dole says her husband is telling the truth about tax cuts, and that he doesnt make promises unless he intends to keep them. Thats the SECOND Mrs. Dole for those of you keeping track of vows.

The President signed a proclamation declaring this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think hes in trouble now – Judge Fujisaki may cite him for violating the gag order.*

Richard Ramirez, known as the Night Stalker, got married last week. Apparently the bride was looking for someone tall, dark and heinous. Since hes on death row, he cant have sex with his new wife, or even talk to her very much. Its almost like theyve been married for years. It turns out the girl misunderstood her mothers advice – she said go find yourself A NICE DOCTOR… not a Night Stalker…

To his credit, Ramirez sais he wants to settle down and change his lifestyle. In fact, hes looking for a day stalking job. (Jay Leno)

The latest book about the OJ Simpson case, An American Tragedy, claims Robert Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran and other defense team members became convinced of Simpsons guilt by the end of the trial. Yeah, about the same time the checks started bouncing.

The Orioles controversial Roberto Alomar won his sixth straight Gold Glove award. It was an emotional moment – there wasnt a dry umpire in the whole place.

Disney received approval to build a new theme park called The California Adventure. The park will include such hits as Mudslideland, Earthquakeland, Riotland and Infernoland.

In Los Angeles, Northrop Grumman unveiled its new stealth bus, made from materials similar to those used in the B-2 bomber. Stealth buses are nothing new in LA – you could wait at a bus stop for hours and never see one.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian came to the aid of a bicyclist injured in a traffic accident. When the victim saw who was working on him, he said, Wait! I want a second opinion! Despite his heroic efforts, the victim survived.

Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who resigned as surgeon general amid furor over her support for teaching kids about masturbation, has a new book out. I bought a copy – just for the articles, of course. I had a hard time finding it – I didnt know if it was in with the biographies or with the do-it-yourself books.

Tiny Tim is out of the hospital after suffering a heart attack on stage. While he has no chance of ever being normal, doctors hope he can return to his old self in no time.

A stolen Picasso portrait was recoverd. The painting was thoroughly checked to make sure everything was out of place.

A bill was signed into law making air travel safer and less frightening. I guess this means no more in-flight meals?

M & M candies are being made in several new colors, including teal green, dark pink and light orange. A company spokesman said, We got a great deal on Dennis Rodmans leftover hair dyes.

And finally, police in Peoria, Illinois arrested a 30 year old woman, protesting the incarceration of her husband, after she was discovered on the lawn of the jailhouse completely nude and fondling herself in full view of all the inmates inside. Police arrested her because they said she turned otherwise harmless prisoners into HARDENED criminals!!!

*Judge Fujisaki is presiding over the OJ Simpson civil trial.

Gore: (G)ennifers (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise

Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen…with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under Presidents
Get bitchin Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, No, you take over in 2004, stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas – eat Crisco while watching reruns of Bonanza
Call Al Gore, ask for Lou Zer, hang up
Two words: Temptation Island

©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say Im about to hurt you?
A: Trust me.

This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had
been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four
things came to my mind:

She must have blown a rod.
Obviously, her driving sucks too.
Its not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
I wonder how badly this accident stained her dress?