Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
 
Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired.
 

 
Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time! The President beamed.
 

 
How long did it take you?
 

 
Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

The Original Version

The Ant busts his rear in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up suplies for the winter. The Grasshopper
thinks hes a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
shelter so dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version

It starts out the same but when winter comes, the shivering
Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper next to the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food. Americal is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country of such wealth that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the Ant with Green Bias and
makes the case that the Grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the Grasshopper and
everybody cries when he sings Its Not Easy Being Green.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything
they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he
deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill
refers to it, the Termperatures of the 80s. Finally the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning
of the summer. The Ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs, and, having nothing left to pay his Retro-Active
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The story ends as we
see the Grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the Ants food while
the government house hes in… (which just happens to be the Ants old
house)… crumbles around him since the Grasshopper doesnt know how to
maintain it. The Ant has disappeared in the snow. On the TV (which the
Grasshopper bought by selling most of the Ants food), Bill Clinton is
standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
new era of Fairness has dawned in America.

Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash

St. Louis, MO (UPI)–Vice President Dan Quayle today visited
St. Louis, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country
of Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedys words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
I am a Jelly Doughnut!

Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told those who lived in central America enjoyed jelly
doughnuts.

Clinton is not a tax and spend Democrat, he is a contribute and invest democrat.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduates usual question in his first job?

A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmers victims and The Clintons hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldnt let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, How do I know youre Picasso? Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. How can you prove to me youre George W. Bush? Saint Peter said. Bush replied, Well heck, I dont know. St. Peter says, Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove youre George W. Bush? Bush replies, Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso? St. Peter says, It must be you, George, cmon on in.

George W. Bush ran into Colin Powells office exclaiming, "Dick Cheney hanged himselfin his bathroom!" Colin Powell says "Oh, No! Did you cut him down?" "Cut him down?" asks George W. "How could I cut him down? He wasnt dead yet!"

Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.

Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. Bill, Bill wake up.

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, Bill, Bill wake up.

Bill finally wakes up and says, What do you want?

Hillary responds, I have to go use the bathroom.

To which Bill says, Please tell me you didnt wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.

Hillary says, No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.