Poze din categoria ‘Political’ Category

Bush seeks to enjoin Santa from checking list twice

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE

Lack of Standards Decried

Austin, TX (Dec. 13)–Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.

There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. Its totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now, said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Justin from the nice list, filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.

Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he called the crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.

Their security is really awful, really bad, said Bush. My mother just walked right in, told em she was Mrs. Claus. They didnt check her ID or nothing.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now, Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony shes asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The Rainbow Mush for Justice is scheduled to leave Friday. We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays, Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him.

Hes losing weight, and he hasnt said Ho Ho Ho for days, said the spokeself.

Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy. Santa is apparantly not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure what he might do if he loses this battle.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Clinton one-liner

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Horses Ass

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV gos on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech.

The man yells, Theres a horses ass

A guy gets up and punches him..

Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, Theres a horses ASS..

He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, What is this Clinton country..

The bartender says no, Horse country

Question and answer Clinton joke

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Clinton one-liner

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!

Arkansas Scholars

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Dont laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does varicose mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section. A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word benign mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Drinks

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks le apperitif? All of them answer oui!



The waiter looks at Zedillo Le tequila? Zedillo: oui!



The waiter looks at Yeltsin Le vodka? Yeltsin: oui!



Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton Le whisky? Clinton: DONT MENTION THAT BITCH !!!

The cowboy bar

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Clinton country!Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!